Inside This Edition

• Page Five: Dr. Burch to mark departure with series of 72-hour speeches; mandatory attendance for all faculty. “Holy crap!” exclaims everyone.
• Page Eight: Emslie Authorizes Search for “Assistant Provost to Do Crappy Work Required of Provost.” “There’s no f***ing way I’m going to Engaging the Spirit ever again!” barked Emslie.
• Page Thirteen: Earth Day attendance down due to inconvenient location, lack of parking, conflicts with “Warren County Tire Burnin’ Day” events.
• Page Twenty-One: City Commission to abolish prayer before bi-weekly meetings: “It just isn’t working. We want to avoid having public officials on their knees too much.”
• Page Thirty-Four: Domestic Partner Benefits Prompts the The Western™ to Celebrate Gayness. “Good God! Those stylish people are everywhere,” exclaimed Regent Yevette Haskins.

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