screw you

April, 2009
Volume I, Issue VII

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**Next Issue: May 1**

 

 

 

Ransdell Attempts to Explain Budget Cuts to Crowd of Half-Wits

In a three-hour open forum, President Ransdell doggedly tried to explain the reasons why faculty and staff at The Western™ will not receive salary increases this year.

The President began with simple concepts, stating “the budget for a university like ours is made up of many, many, many numbers that have to add up to a really big number, but because of some bad men in Frankfort and Washington, we don’t have enough numbers.”

After failing to dazzle the audience with math, the President took up sports metaphors. “Look, it’s a lot like a basketball team that can’t score a touchdown, or a soccer team that . . . oh, wait.”

Shifting gears, he tried again. “In a personal, top secret meeting with Governor Beshear I was told that I am not allowed to pay employees this year. Instead we will build a new student center.”

Finally, Ransdell threw up his hands in exasperation and shouted, “What is wrong with you morons? Why can’t you just pull your own weight, like the football program? Sell some tickets, for God’s sake, and maybe you’ll get a raise once in a while!”

Ransdell then stormed out of the auditorium, leading several members of the Academic Council away on a leash.

Dunce

 

 

 

 

blah

 

Smoke up

 

In This Issue:

Professor Stewart Pavee Visits The Western, Accepts Award . . . More >

Parked Cars to be Counted as Students . . . More>

Facebook "10 Random Things About Me" List by Gary Ransdell . . . More>

Also in This Issue . . . More>

Outside WorldIs Jim Bunning Dead? "Don't Ask Don't Tell" Revoked, "You're Gay, You're OK" Instituted . . . More>

Around Campus . . . More>

 

 

The Big Red Tool made no sex jokes this month. Contact us at thewestern.bigredtool@gmail.com. Visit our blog at http://riseoverrunmag.com.

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