Ransdell Attempts to Explain Budget Cuts to Crowd of Half-Wits
In a three-hour open forum, President Ransdell doggedly tried to explain the reasons why faculty and staff at The Western™ will not receive salary increases this year.
The President began with simple concepts, stating “the budget for a university like ours is made up of many, many, many numbers that have to add up to a really big number, but because of some bad men in Frankfort and Washington, we don’t have enough numbers.”
After failing to dazzle the audience with math, the President took up sports metaphors. “Look, it’s a lot like a basketball team that can’t score a touchdown, or a soccer team that . . . oh, wait.”
Shifting gears, he tried again. “In a personal, top secret meeting with Governor Beshear I was told that I am not allowed to pay employees this year. Instead we will build a new student center.”
Finally, Ransdell threw up his hands in exasperation and shouted, “What is wrong with you morons? Why can’t you just pull your own weight, like the football program? Sell some tickets, for God’s sake, and maybe you’ll get a raise once in a while!”
Ransdell then stormed out of the auditorium, leading several members of the Academic Council away on a leash.