screw you

April 2009
Volume I, Issue VII

Back Issues

**Next Issue: May 1**

 

Parked Cars to be Counted As Students

In a move designed to boost enrollments the Academic Council announced that for record-keeping purposes The Western™ will count auto-mobiles as students. The new policy is retroactive to January 1, 1906.

The cognitive leap that led to the new policy involved applying NCAA philosophies to academics, something that has never been done before.

President Gary Ransdell explained, “Until recently, the NCAA allowed Div. I-A football schools to count parking-lot tailgaters in stadium attendance numbers, even if the revelers didn’t attend the game. That seems like a sound policy for tallying academic enrollments.”

The SGA passed a resolution in support of the policy and is encouraging each student to drive at least two vehicles to campus.

"I have a pickup, a motor-cycle, two scooters, and a minivan parked on campus. So I am really six students! That's the The Western™ spirit!," exclaimed SGA President Kayla Shelton.

To meet the state-mandated goal of granting 30,000 degrees per year, vehicles that get more than 30 miles per gallon will be awarded three Bachelor’s degrees, those that get between 20 and 30 m.p.g. will be awarded two, and those that get less than 20 m.p.g. will be awarded a single degree from the Ed School.

 

 

 

blah

 

Smoke up

 

In This Issue:

Professor Stewart Pavee Visits The Western, Accepts Award . . . More >

Parked Cars to be Counted as Students . . . More>

Facebook "10 Random Things About Me" List by Gary Ransdell . . . More>

Also in This Issue . . . More>

Outside WorldIs Jim Bunning Dead? "Don't Ask Don't Tell" Revoked, "You're Gay, You're OK" Instituted . . . More>

Around Campus . . . More>

 

 

The Big Red Tool made no sex jokes this month. Contact us at thewestern.bigredtool@gmail.com. Visit our blog at http://riseoverrunmag.com.

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