University Experience Faculty Under Investigation in Steroid Scandal
Bowling Green police swooped into Cherry Hall yesterday morning, arrested all of the University Experience faculty and staff, and confiscated dozens of boxes of suspected steroids. "We've been getting complaints for years about ultra-buff faculty in that department," said Police Department Spokesman Roy Coffee. “Now we know why University Experience is such a popular course—the faculty have been juiced up on instruction enhancing drugs,” he explained.
The Western™ Announces Economic Stimulus Plan
Gary Ransdell announced a new stimulus package meant to invigorate South Central Kentucky’s economy. The Western’s™ “Commercial Redevelopment and Prosperity (CRAP)” plan involves a reworking of athletic staff contracts. Each head coach who has ever appeared on ESPN will be given three new Bowling Green-built Corvettes and a two million dollar cash bailout raise. “And to kick-start the local housing market, we’ll issue The Western™-backed agency bonds of $9.6 million for the construction of ‘recuperation and strategic planning’ facilities on Barren River Lake for each coach,” said spokesperson Robbin Taylor.
The Western™ Stages New World Record Attempt
Forensics team member Jordan Catalano will attempt to break the world record for loudest burp at the 2009 World Universities Debating Championships in Cork, Ireland. Catalono boasted, “[Current record holder, Britain’s] Paul Hunn’s 107-decibel burp on the Paul O’Grady Show last summer is child’s play. My last full-contact practice burp gave my sister a hernia, launched my half-digested burrito seventeen feet (wind aided), and registered at 114 decibels.”