THE OUTSIDE WORLD
Is Jim Bunning Dead?
“Is Jim Bunning dead?” This is the question Kentucky politicos are asking themselves.
At the Tuesday afternoon wake for the seemingly-deceased Kentucky senator, a drunken, bipartisan crowd of revelers distinctly heard a shrill, gravelly voice howl, “I’m not dead yet, dammit!,” emanating from Bunning’s open casket.
Upon closer inspection, onlookers found only a wrinkly, wild-eyed, grey-haired corpse with an undersized cranium and a hardened, vicious scowl in the casket. Speculation continues.
“I coulda sworn Bunning was already dead in 2004, since his campaign refused to allow him to appear in public or speak to humans during his re-election,” commented political scientist Scott Lasley.
“I just assumed his severed, coiffed head was being preserved in formaldehyde for photographs.”
“Well, if he’s not already dead, then he’ll be dead by October,” predicted Josh Holmes, spokesman for Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY).
Late Tuesday night, following the wake, Bowling Green eye surgeon Ru Paul was arrested by police and booked for public nudity, intoxication, and aggravated mayhem.
Paul was discovered grasping an empty bottle of Old Grand-Dad and dancing naked around Senator Bunning’s interment slot in the The Western’s™ Columbarium.
"Dont Ask, Don't Tell" Revoked, "You're Gay, YOu're OK" Instituted
In an expected move, the Obama administration has revoked the Clinton-era “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, which allowed homosexuals to serve in the armed forces as long as they remained closeted. In its place, President Obama has instituted a new policy, to be called “You’re Gay, You’re OK,” which will allow homosexuals to serve in the armed forces openly, without fear of retribution or dismissal.
“With all the recruiting problems we’ve had recently, there’s no reason to exclude any eager American from our all-volunteer military,” explained Army recruiter Sgt. Justin Marx.
“After all, gays can stop bullets just as efficiently the next man. Besides, our dingy barracks really could use a gay man’s touch.”