screw you

April, 2010
Volume II, Issue 6

Back Issues



ˇFeliz Navidad!

Officials recently announced that The Western™ is the first U.S. school to make an agreement with Feliz Navidad, a corporate entity that lures young people away from their home countries—and their parents away from large sums of their income—with the promise of an American university education.

Under the agreement, Feliz Navidad provides these freshmen with their first year of college courses by hiring indentured, part-time workers to “teach” The Western™ courses on its campus. Students in the College of Business’ “Shouting a Bit Louder in English” foreign language program will help provide orientation services.

President Ransdell praised the program as an inspired means of increasing the international reach of The Western™’s fundraising efforts. He also said that this move should reassure alumni, fans, and donors that profit remains one of The Western™’s top priorities.

Some in the community had questioned whether academics were actually becoming a priority when The Western™ announced that it was raising the minimum high school GPA and ACT scores for admittance. Feliz Navidad’s admissions standards, however, are lower than The Western™’s. Since any student may apply to the university via Feliz Navidad, this “admissions donut hole” will continue to allow substandard students to be admitted to The Western™.

A representative from Academic Affairs pointed out that an added bonus of the agreement is that it will help The Western™ realize tremendous efficiency gains. According to the new Faculty Handbook, faculty will be required to oversee the course plans and assess the students in the Feliz Navidad program and, thus, will perform more work without additional compensation.

“I can’t wait to work with illiterate students from Argentiniastan!” exclaimed the Business School’s Lehman Brothers Professor of Bailout Studies Hershey Spreckles.

In A Related Story: Not-Dean Dean Kahler has left his position as Vice Junior Assistant for a “tion” or “ment” word to the Assistant Vice President to work for Navidad. As a reward Kahler will relocate to a moldy campus dungeon.



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In This Issue:

Draft of Faculty Handbook . . . More >

Icelandic Waif Takes Job . . . More >

ˇFeliz Navidad! . . . More >

Health Care Reform Casualties . . . More >

Technology Services to Barcode . . . More >

Coach Taggert Invents . . . More >

SGA Elections . . . More >

News Shorts . . . More >

Bonus Online-Only Story! . . . More >

Born Bjork
The new AD arrives at the annual Red-White game.



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