screw you

April, 2010
Volume II, Issue 6

Back Issues



Outside World: Healthcare Reform Casualties Mount Unabated

Concerned conservatives have sounded the alarm about the deadly health care reforms enacted by Congress. “The corpses are piling up in American morgues as we chat so pleasantly. People seem to be dying every day now thanks to expanded health care – men, women, and children of all races and creeds,” lamented Sean Hannity on his national radio show.

Celebrated conservative voice Glenn Beck has been tallying the body count. “The American Association of Morticians tells me that 7,000 people died in America on Monday, March 22, 2010…. The DAY AFTER CONGRESS ENACTED THE HEALTH CARE REFORM,” intoned Beck. “It doesn’t take a Cray Jaguar® supercomputer to put two and two together: Herr Comrade Obama is KILLING US with health care. It’s proven by science.”

”Real and other Americans are being murdered by those government death panels things at this moment,” fretted sexy-teacher, banquet-speaker, half-term Governor Sarah Palin, reading from her palm while speaking to Tool reporters at her walled Wasilla estate. “Deathy-killy stuff the Democrat Party has choked into our communal soup-mouth is clogging the American combustion magnets.”

At great personal risk, the Tool executive editors have obtained a blurry photocopy of the Marxist-Leninist healthcare plan passed into law by Herr Obama’s fascist Congressional pals. Tool research confirms conservatives’ worst fears.

Provision 90567.67.4.3889 requires that all citizens shall be recycled at age thirty.

Provision 87.496.666, inserted by Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL), establishes a manufactory in Alabama that will compress Death Panel victims’ bodies into edible green wafers.

Provision 287.56299.01.a.2 requires the release of our new monkey overlords from animal experimentation facilities in the event that time travel becomes possible.



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In This Issue:

Draft of Faculty Handbook . . . More >

Icelandic Waif Takes Job . . . More >

¡Feliz Navidad! . . . More >

Health Care Reform Casualties . . . More >

Technology Services to Barcode . . . More >

Coach Taggert Invents . . . More >

SGA Elections . . . More >

News Shorts . . . More >

Bonus Online-Only Story! . . . More >

Born Bjork
The new AD arrives at the annual Red-White game.



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