screw you

April, 2010
Volume II, Issue 6

Back Issues



Technology Services To Begin Branding Bar Codes On Faculty, Staff, Students Next Year

As a follow-up to their recent success with the conversion to NetID, Technology Services is moving forward with their plan to tattoo bar codes on the foreheads of all faculty, staff, and students at The Western™.

Explained IT director Robert Owen: “This will really make our jobs a lot easier. You just have to press your face to the reader and presto! You can get into TopNet, check your email, get your assignments on Blackboard, or enter some numbers in Banner like the soulless drones you are.”

When asked whether logins couldn’t be made easier, Owen responded “Come on, these are computers we’re talking about. We can do pretty much anything we want with them, given the time and inclination. Can you imagine if users on campus started expecting us to help them do what they want with their machines, instead of just blindly following our instructions?”

He continued, “Our jobs would become a living hell, or at least a lot more tedious. Plus we would be deprived of the simple pleasures of watching the older faculty and staff members flinch every time we ask them to log in to something.”

Added Owen, “The good news is that these tattoos will hurt a lot, but I think that is a small price to pay for increased efficiency, don’t you?”

Among the other initiatives that will go into effect in the next six months:

  • Cameras that will definitely not be able to see what’s going on in faculty offices (cf. new hadbook policy on fornication).
  • Faculty to be unsubscribed from Voice every two days to make sure they really want to belong to this discussion list.
  • Autosubscribing to incredibly boring TheWestern™-Traffic mailing list.
  • For security reasons, faculty and staff prohibited from discussing IT policy.

Violators will be dismembered.



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In This Issue:

Draft of Faculty Handbook . . . More >

Icelandic Waif Takes Job . . . More >

¡Feliz Navidad! . . . More >

Health Care Reform Casualties . . . More >

Technology Services to Barcode . . . More >

Coach Taggert Invents . . . More >

SGA Elections . . . More >

News Shorts . . . More >

Bonus Online-Only Story! . . . More >

Born Bjork
The new AD arrives at the annual Red-White game.



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