Coach Taggert Invents Cutting-Edge Technology
During spring break, with most faculty and staff lying around on the beach, Coach Taggert was in his secret Barren River underground lair, constructing a system, dubbed The Taggarttron 3000®, that would divert funds more directly from Potter Hall to the football stadium.
Turning off his welding torch and wiping the sweat from his manly brow, Taggart explained, “What we’re doing here is building a device that will give us the ability to re-direct funds from academics to athletics. While that’s a never-ending process, I think what I’ve invented goes beyond what any previous coach has been able to accomplish,” he claimed.
The machine, designed with the input of sustainability expert Christian Ryan-Downing, is a bicycle-powered vacuum system that will suck the money out of academics with much greater efficiency than previous systems.
“This is really brilliant,” commented Ryan-Downing. “Look, money is green. And we like the green. This machine is completely ‘green’ and it also ‘funnels the green’ so there’s a poetic symmetry to it. Get it? High five!”
“We envision using this to help give our players dual training in strength conditioning and athletic fundraising. Plus, we can have the spinning classes here. We hope to run this thing night and day,” said Taggert.
“This is the kind of innovative, forward-thinking idea that we hired Taggert for,” effused AD Röß Björk.
President Ransdell also weighed in. “You know, here’s why we’re giving the guy a giant bonus for barely winning half his games.”
University scientists expect that the Taggartron 3000® will have myriad applications in academia. “Today, presidential salaries average $400K per year, and Dr. Ransdell’s lags behind the average by nearly $200K,” fretted Regent Yevette Haskins. “We expect the Taggartron 3000® will help us redress this horrendous, tragic inequity.”
When reached for comment, Epic Beard Man solemnly nodded in approval of Taggart’s accomplishments.