screw you

April, 2010
Volume II, Issue 6

Back Issues



Bonus Feature

So, you’ve probably clicked through to this Bonus Online-Only page thinking to yourself “Finally! My just reward. While those knuckle-dragging Luddites get a paper copy, I’m forced to read this rag online. They get a handcrafted copy lovingly delivered to their offices (or taped on their University Counsel Parking signs), while I have to click back and forth between stories. Where’s the deep, ruby-red smell of ink for me? How will the Tool staff make up for me not getting the crackly feel of fresh paper in my grubby little talons?”

Well, first of all, you’re thinking about this way too much. Get a life. Get back to work. If you’re reading this online, there’s a good chance that you’re wasting valuable university resources doing it. We definitely don’t approve of that.

If you are faculty, you need to get your nose to the grindstone, churn out reports, claw your way to tenure by writing that crucial research paper that only six people in the universe are going to read but which will get you a small raise and a permanent job at The Western™. You should also probably get back to copying lectures from Wikipedia. Or whatever it is faculty do.

If you’re staff, watch out. If you’re reading this at work, well, let’s just say that we hope that one of your other full-time jobs pays health benefits. Cause you’re on your way out.

No, my little pretties. This little bonus feature isn’t really going to be worth the effort. Might as well click away to another page.

OK, good, there you go. Bye.

Who’s left, then? Excellent. Before we get to talking about those pinheads who just moved on to their daily dose of reading online porn in the guise of some kind of “research,” we want to say that there isn’t going to be much here. Comedy’s hard, and it turns out that the The Western™ community is demanding.

Not sophisticated, just demanding. Actually, we’re pretty sure that if all we did was print pictures of Dr. El Presidente Señor Ransdell with horns in his ears, the great majority of you would chortle quietly to yourselves and think “Ha! That got him. Now my pathetic life has some meaning. At last. I can go on for one more day.”

But trust us, life doesn’t have any more meaning now than it did before.

But here now, let’s get to the meat of this thing.

Oh wait, we’re out of time. Sorry. See you next month.



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In This Issue:

Draft of Faculty Handbook . . . More >

Icelandic Waif Takes Job . . . More >

¡Feliz Navidad! . . . More >

Health Care Reform Casualties . . . More >

Technology Services to Barcode . . . More >

Coach Taggert Invents . . . More >

SGA Elections . . . More >

News Shorts . . . More >

Bonus Online-Only Story! . . . More >

Born Bjork
The new AD arrives at the annual Red-White game.



The Big Red Tool isn't sure what to make of Justin Bieber.
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