Draft of Faculty Handbook Released
Last Friday, the Provost’s Office released the latest draft of the Faculty Handbook. The most controversial revisions involve the Handbook’s attempts to regulate student-faculty romantic liaisons. Key provisions include:
- Faculty fornication with students permitted only between the hours of 7:00am and 10:00pm; Restricted to Parking Structure One with premium permit only. “This should generate tens of thousands of dollars for Parking and Transportation,” beamed Jennifer Tougas.
- Faculty sexual liaisons with a student must be approved by the faculty’s department head, the dean of the college, and the coach of one major campus sport.
- Faculty are encouraged to invite their supervisors to participate in sexual liaisons with students, so that supervisors can ensure can ensure compliance with Handbook rules.
- Students involved in sexual activity with faculty will receive credit for experiential learning and said activity will appear on their S.E.A.T.
- Any sexy videos shall become the intellectual property of the university, and revenues from any rebroadcast will go directly to the Athletic Department.
Other anticipated changes include:
- Use of The Western™-trademarked logos will be restricted to those persons deemed most critical to university operations—the football coach, the Athletic Director, and the dean with two names (no, not that one. The other one).
- Clinical ranks will now include Master of Ceremonies, Emperor Baron von Markenstein IX, and McLovin’, Ph.D.
- Piggy Back Rides, Ass Slaps, Shoulder Punches, and Backrubs for colleagues will count as “Positive Contributions to Collegiality” in Tenure and Promotion guidelines. Persons exempted from collegiality: Vieb VanDerMeer, David Keeling, Peter Hamburger, and Luther Hughes.
- New guidelines include a section for Student Engagaments within the traditional categories of Teaching, Research, and Publication. Student Engagements can include sex, field trips to the Red Roof Inn, Help Parking a Car, and Big Red Tool distribution by SGA members.
- New mentoring system to include noogies for all junior faculty.