screw you

August, 2009
Volume II, Issue 1



Provost Barbara Burch Announces Retirement

After more than a decade as Provost/Vice President for Academic Affairs, Dr. Barbara Burch announced her retirement, effective in June 2010. Following the announcement Dr. Burch sat down with Tool reporters to discuss her future plans.

“There’s a lot of timber and brush that needs to be cleared from my ranch. And my rap album needs some polishing before it’s released. Fo’ shizzle ma nizzle!,” joked Burch.

“Actually, I look forward to working with students again in the classroom,” sighed the retiring Provost. Dr. Burch will become the highest paid full-time university instructor in Kentucky, carrying her $225,000-per-year salary – roughly equivalent to the annual salaries of five teaching faculty – to The Western’s™ Educational Leadership Program.

“Dr. Burch’s pedagogical awesomeness is worth any five teaching faculty put together,” gushed Doug McElroy, who is currently employed by Provost Burch. “We see the ‘super teacher’ in her every time she delivers a speech at ‘Engaging the Spirit’. I mean, she’s just a super duper all-around kind of great person,” he finished, reapplying his lip balm and wiping away a tear. “I’m gonna miss her so much.”

The Western’s™ faculty will hold a “Welcome Back to the Classroom” party for Dr. Burch on June 3, 2010, from 3:00-3:04pm at The Double Deuce. Faculty members are asked to refrain from drinking alcoholic products at university-sponsored events.

In honor of Dr. Burch, the Big Red Tool will print a number of retrospectives this year. This month we offer a short chronology of her achievements:

  • 1948: Invents wind-up chattering teeth.
  • 1953: First ingestion of Kentucky Burgoo. Brain chemistry irrevocably altered.
  • 1969: At Woodstock, engages in psychedelic “freshman experience” with umbrella- toting yellow frog.
  • 1970: Hazes Gary “The Rabbit™” Ransdell, SAE pledge, in Rock House dungeon.
  • 1974: Declines John Birch Society membership, says, “That ain’t my name, bitch!”
  • 1975: Invents the Internet. 1986: Learns of music style known as “disco,” introduces it into curriculum.
  • 1988: Advises Mossad during First Lebanese War.
  • 1989: Wins Caldecott Award for children's book, The Busy, Busy Administrator.
  • 1996-2009: Serves as Vice President for Academic Affairs, The Western™.
  • 1998-2009: Provost, The Western™.






Smoke up
President Ransdell Gears Up For The Listening Tour

In This Issue:

Presidential "Listening Tour" To Be Followed By . . . More >

Provost Announces Retirement . . . More>

New Dean of University Coilege . . . More>

Incoming Freshman Style Guide . . . More>

The Western™ Reacts . . . More>

The Western™ Football in Transitional Year. . . More>

Smoke up
Faculty at a 2009 "Engaging the Spirit" Session


The Big Red Tool spent summer break in President Ransdell's bedroom closet. Observing.
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