New Dean for University College
An exhaustive worldwide search that saw officials vetting thousands of well-qualified applicants has ended in the hiring of a man with two first names as the new Dean of University College.
The Dean With Two First Names® will take charge of the college after the previous, interim dean transformed University College from a sleepy backwoods of academic achievement into one of the most prominent and well-respected colleges on campus.
“The competition was intense,” noted outgoing Provost Barbara Burch. “From luminaries such as Drew Gilpin Faust to Shirley Tilghman to Richard Levin, there were top-notch people who wanted this job. Of course Faust and Tilghman never had a chance, since we don’t hire female deans on the main campus—it just doesn’t seem right.”
“Still,” she continued, “we had to give serious consideration to Daw Aung San Suu Kyi’s application. And Dr. Dean With Two First Names® only narrowly edged out Ban Ki-moon, Noam Chomsky, and Boutros Boutros-Ghali. You’ve never seen so many Nobel Prize winners’ resumes in one pile. It was amazing.
But Dean With Two First Names®’ selection is not unsurprising given the rigor with which University College operates.” Burch continued, “It never surprises me that with a worldwide, intensive search for the most qualified Dean for this outstanding college, that some of the finest talent would be right here at The Western™.”
Dr. Dean With Two First Names® plans to bring his dynamic personality and leadership style to the new college through a series of initiatives designed to boost the profile of University College. “We plan to maximize our educational output through a series of institutionally actualized realizations tied to critically engaged student engagement initiatives,” Dean With Two First Names® told a clearly puzzled audience.
“It’s exactly that kind of forward thinking that landed him this job,” sighed Provost Burch.