screw you

August, 2009
Volume II, Issue 1

The Western™ Football in
"Transitional Year" for Crimes

At a recent news conference Wood Selig announced that with the move to FBS (formerly Division I-A) fans should expect more and better crimes from The Western™’s football team. “Right now we're still competing at a Division I-AA level with regard to our crime rate. It's still mostly petty stuff—shoplifting, forgery, assault, that sort of thing. We're hoping that the move to FBS will make us more competitive, crime-wise. We’d like our guys to step up and contribute some sexual assaults, burglaries, dog fighting, and grand larcenies.”

During spring training, players attended a series of mini-camps, including “When ‘No’ Doesn’t Really Mean ‘No’,” “Breaking and Entering 101,” and a day-long marksmanship session at the Green River Gun Club.

Selig went on to say “Right now, the NCAA ranks The Western™’s football program 115 out of 120 in crime statistics, which is actually better than our on-field ranking of 120 out of 120. Last year’s criminal ‘championship effort’ worked out well. This year we want our guys to give 110% on the field and in the courthouse. May the spirit of Rick Pitino guide them!”





Smoke up
President Ransdell Gears Up For The Listening Tour

In This Issue:

Presidential "Listening Tour" To Be Followed By . . . More >

Provost Announces Retirement . . . More>

New Dean of University Coilege . . . More>

Incoming Freshman Style Guide . . . More>

The Western™ Reacts . . . More>

The Western™ Football in Transitional Year. . . More>

Smoke up
Faculty at a 2009 "Engaging the Spirit" Session


The Big Red Tool spent summer break in President Ransdell's bedroom closet. Observing.
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