Ransdell Declares “It’s Academics’ Turn” to Deal With Massive Budget Cuts
Kentucky’s latest budget shortfall of $456 million will be paid for by future generations as the state once again slashes education budgets, asking universities to return portions of their already-allocated money to state coffers.
However The Western™ President Gary Ransdell has vowed to stand up to the Commonwealth, declaring that the state would get the money “from my cold, dead hands.”
“It is my solemn promise here and now, as Shiva is my witness, that not a single penny of this shortfall will affect our athletics budget or construction activities. The good folks at The Western™ can rest assured that we will make our priorities clear.”
To make ends meet, the Administrative Council announced the following initiatives:
- Employees will be paid same wage amount, but in pesos
- BSAs to donate their food stamps to cover shortfall.
- Columbarium residents turned into Soylent Green, sold at Red Zone
- Library closed, books burned for heat
- Ransdell to return half of 2006 raise, which will cover $2.3 million
- Aramark to bottle and sell The Western™-brand holiday wines, starting with “BigRedichewitz”
- Continue to throw money down the toilet on foolhardy projects, pray Democrats will “spread the wealth” by providing higher education bailout
- Fool Commonwealth by returning “Big Red Dining Dollars”
- Increase athletic budget, assume football will “bring home the bacon” in 2009
- Recite the Presbyterians’ Lord’s Prayer to Beshear, while shouting the part about forgiving debts
- Sell sexy “Regents of The Western™ 2009” calendar
- Institute pyramid scheme in which new tuition hikes are used to pay off old debts, and then future tuition increases are used to pay off current debts. Oh, crap, that’s what we’re doing. Now what?!?