screw you

December, 2008
Volume I, Issue V

Back Issues

**Next Issue: January Hmmm**

 

 

 

Financial Crisis!!

Ransdell Declares “It’s Academics’ Turn” to Deal With Massive Budget Cuts

Kentucky’s latest budget shortfall of $456 million will be paid for by future generations as the state once again slashes education budgets, asking universities to return portions of their already-allocated money to state coffers.

However The Western™ President Gary Ransdell has vowed to stand up to the Commonwealth, declaring that the state would get the money “from my cold, dead hands.”

“It is my solemn promise here and now, as Shiva is my witness, that not a single penny of this shortfall will affect our athletics budget or construction activities. The good folks at The Western™ can rest assured that we will make our priorities clear.”

To make ends meet, the Administrative Council announced the following initiatives:

  • Employees will be paid same wage amount, but in pesos
  • BSAs to donate their food stamps to cover shortfall.
  • Columbarium residents turned into Soylent Green, sold at Red Zone
  • Library closed, books burned for heat
  • Ransdell to return half of 2006 raise, which will cover $2.3 million
  • Aramark to bottle and sell The Western™-brand holiday wines, starting with “BigRedichewitz”
  • Continue to throw money down the toilet on foolhardy projects, pray Democrats will “spread the wealth” by providing higher education bailout
  • Fool Commonwealth by returning “Big Red Dining Dollars”
  • Increase athletic budget, assume football will “bring home the bacon” in 2009
  • Recite the Presbyterians’ Lord’s Prayer to Beshear, while shouting the part about forgiving debts
  • Sell sexy “Regents of The Western™ 2009” calendar
  • Institute pyramid scheme in which new tuition hikes are used to pay off old debts, and then future tuition increases are used to pay off current debts.  Oh, crap, that’s what we’re doing. Now what?!?

 

 

 

Santa Claus

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Ransdell With Sculpture

Dr. Ransdell, next to The Western™’s newest sculpture. E-mail us to help name it! We’ll print, anonymously, the best entries.

In This Issue:

Student Committed to State Mental Institution: An unidentified male The Western™ student has been committed to a local mental institution by his fraternity brothers after repeatedly refusing to have sex with his horny girlfriend. More >

News Shorts: The Western™ to End Equal Opportunity Practices, Expand Nepotism; Revolution 91.7 Announces Format Change; Student, Like, Totally Misunderstands “Swipable” Event. More>

The Western™ Announces Green, Energy-Saving Initiatives: President Gary Ransdell announced a series of new initiatives meant to catapult The Western™ into the “top ranks of green, energy efficient universities in south central Kentucky.” More>

Football Team to Play for Honor, Pride Next Season: In a move some hope will spare players and fans the pain of hoping for a winning football squad, coaches announced that after this years’ dismal season they would play only for honor and pride. More>

Outside WorldKentucky to Hold Guinness-Record Hoagie Sale to Solve Budget Woes: Entrepreneurialism may be the answer to Kentucky’s budget crisis, or so claims Chad Saalwechter, Director of the newly-created Food for Funds Initiative 2008. More>

Also In This Issue: More>

 

 

The Big Red Tool is the only newspaper at The Western printed on 100% recycled human skin. Contact us at thewestern.bigredtool@gmail.com.

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