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December, 2008
Volume I, Issue V

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Student Committed to State Mental Institution

An unidentified male The Western™ student has been committed to a local mental institution by his fraternity brothers after repeatedly refusing to have sex with his horny girlfriend.

“Well, we really did it for his own good,” said one of the AGRs. “His girlfriend kept talking about how turned on she was, how much she loved him, and how she'd be going overseas soon and probably die in a war or something, and that she really needed to have sex because she was in a lot of pain.”

AGR brothers became aware of the man’s acute insanity after discovering the girlfriend’s Myspace page, which contained video footage of his repeated claims of having a headache, needing to study for a quiz, having the painters in, and of just wanting to wait until marriage. It was this last excuse that prompted his fraternity brothers to act.

Doctors planned to perform extensive tests and perhaps administer electric shock therapy.

One doctor also commented that he planned to conduct what he called “extensive” interviews with the girlfriend. “I think I can solve this problem,” he said.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Ransdell With Sculpture

Dr. Ransdell, next to The Western™’s newest sculpture. E-mail us to help name it! We’ll print, anonymously, the best entries.

In This Issue:

Student Committed to State Mental Institution: An unidentified male The Western™ student has been committed to a local mental institution by his fraternity brothers after repeatedly refusing to have sex with his horny girlfriend. More >

News Shorts: The Western™ to End Equal Opportunity Practices, Expand Nepotism; Revolution 91.7 Announces Format Change; Student, Like, Totally Misunderstands “Swipable” Event. More>

The Western™ Announces Green, Energy-Saving Initiatives: President Gary Ransdell announced a series of new initiatives meant to catapult The Western™ into the “top ranks of green, energy efficient universities in south central Kentucky.” More>

Football Team to Play for Honor, Pride Next Season: In a move some hope will spare players and fans the pain of hoping for a winning football squad, coaches announced that after this years’ dismal season they would play only for honor and pride. More>

Outside WorldKentucky to Hold Guinness-Record Hoagie Sale to Solve Budget Woes: Entrepreneurialism may be the answer to Kentucky’s budget crisis, or so claims Chad Saalwechter, Director of the newly-created Food for Funds Initiative 2008. More>

Also In This Issue: More>

 

 

The Big Red Tool is the only newspaper at The Western printed on 100% recycled human skin. Contact us at thewestern.bigredtool@gmail.com.

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