WKU to End Equal Opportunity Practices, Expand Nepotism
In a dramatic policy shift, President Gary Randsell announced Friday that The Western™ will no longer use EoE criteria in the hiring process. Instead, The Western™ will intensify its use of nepotism, favoritism, and preferential treatment in faculty and staff hiring procedures.
In particular, The Western™ will focus its efforts on recruiting, hiring, and retaining under-represented, underprivileged groups such as members of the SAE fraternity, The Western™ grads with advanced degrees in Education, children and spouses of athletics donors, and former SGA Presidents and Spirit Masters.
Revolution 91.7 Announces Format Change
Disc jockeys at The Western™'s premier student-run radio station today announced plans to change music formats, effective immediately. “We're trying to freshen things up a bit, trying to keep it fly,” said Revolution's Program Director Justin “Brad” Pitt.
“We’re just admitting what everyone already knew—we've gotten stale,” argued DJ Major “Turkey on Wheat, Hold the Mayo” Maximillian.
To address this issue the station will go to a 24-hour mix of Hanson, Perry Como, William Hung, and the Spice Girls.
Reached for comment, popular DJ “Apple Cider” said “Mmmmmmmm—Bop, baby! I can’t wait to get me some of that hot, hot Hanson.”
Student, Like, Totally Misunderstands “Swipable” Event
Confusion and not a bit of disgust reigned in DUC late last week when student attending a “Get the Hell Off My Bus” rally mistook a “swipable” event for a “wipable event.” The result was a series of tragic toilet accidents in which four students had to be hospitalized.
Chief of Staff Deborah “Hazel” Wilkins rushed to the scene but was, of course, unable to help, commenting, “That’s way below my pay grade.”