screw you

December, 2008
Volume I, Issue V

Back Issues

**Next Issue: January Hmmm**

 

 

News Shorts

WKU to End Equal Opportunity Practices, Expand Nepotism

In a dramatic policy shift, President Gary Randsell announced Friday that The Western™ will no longer use EoE criteria in the hiring process. Instead, The Western™ will intensify its use of nepotism, favoritism, and preferential treatment in faculty and staff hiring procedures. 

In particular, The Western™ will focus its efforts on recruiting, hiring, and retaining under-represented, underprivileged groups such as members of the SAE fraternity, The Western™ grads with advanced degrees in Education, children and spouses of athletics donors, and former SGA Presidents and Spirit Masters.

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Revolution 91.7 Announces Format Change

Disc jockeys at The Western™'s premier student-run radio station today announced plans to change music formats, effective immediately. “We're trying to freshen things up a bit, trying to keep it fly,” said Revolution's Program Director Justin “Brad” Pitt.

“We’re just admitting what everyone already knew—we've gotten stale,” argued DJ Major “Turkey on Wheat, Hold the Mayo” Maximillian.

To address this issue the station will go to a 24-hour mix of Hanson, Perry Como, William Hung, and the Spice Girls.
Reached for comment, popular DJ “Apple Cider” said “Mmmmmmmm—Bop, baby! I can’t wait to get me some of that hot, hot Hanson.”

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Student, Like, Totally Misunderstands “Swipable” Event

Confusion and not a bit of disgust reigned in DUC late last week when student attending a “Get the Hell Off My Bus” rally mistook a “swipable” event for a “wipable event.” The result was a series of tragic toilet accidents in which four students had to be hospitalized.

Chief of Staff Deborah “Hazel” Wilkins rushed to the scene but was, of course, unable to help, commenting, “That’s way below my pay grade.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Ransdell With Sculpture

Dr. Ransdell, next to The Western™’s newest sculpture. E-mail us to help name it! We’ll print, anonymously, the best entries.

In This Issue:

Student Committed to State Mental Institution: An unidentified male The Western™ student has been committed to a local mental institution by his fraternity brothers after repeatedly refusing to have sex with his horny girlfriend. More >

News Shorts: The Western™ to End Equal Opportunity Practices, Expand Nepotism; Revolution 91.7 Announces Format Change; Student, Like, Totally Misunderstands “Swipable” Event. More>

The Western™ Announces Green, Energy-Saving Initiatives: President Gary Ransdell announced a series of new initiatives meant to catapult The Western™ into the “top ranks of green, energy efficient universities in south central Kentucky.” More>

Football Team to Play for Honor, Pride Next Season: In a move some hope will spare players and fans the pain of hoping for a winning football squad, coaches announced that after this years’ dismal season they would play only for honor and pride. More>

Outside WorldKentucky to Hold Guinness-Record Hoagie Sale to Solve Budget Woes: Entrepreneurialism may be the answer to Kentucky’s budget crisis, or so claims Chad Saalwechter, Director of the newly-created Food for Funds Initiative 2008. More>

Also In This Issue: More>

 

 

The Big Red Tool is the only newspaper at The Western printed on 100% recycled human skin. Contact us at thewestern.bigredtool@gmail.com.

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