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December, 2008
Volume I, Issue V

Back Issues

**Next Issue: January Hmmm**

 

 

The Western™ Announces Green, Energy-Saving Initiatives

President Gary Ransdell announced a series of new initiatives meant to catapult The Western™ into the “top ranks of green, energy efficient universities in south central Kentucky.”

“Just as we are now the Harvard of Warren County, so too shall we be the, uh, whatever of whatever. I can’t think of a catchy slogan.”

“Many of our initiatives will require a lot of green paint,” conceded John Osborne, Vice President for Campus Services.  Prior to J-Term, groundskeepers will spray-paint brown lawns green, focusing attention on painting dead grass near parking lots reserved for athletic supporters. 

“Longer-term plans are being developed,” noted Osborne. In 2009 The Western™ will implement “Cattle for Conservation,” which involves releasing the university's beef herd onto central campus each week to keep lawns and shrubbery trimmed, fertilized, and watered.

Additionally, campus fraternity AGR has offered to take goat-free group showers with the Delta-Delta-Delta sorority to conserve water.

Osborne also released The Western™’s supplemental energy conservation plan.  During the campus shutdown at the end of the fall semester, staff will equip all office and classroom seats with “Ass Catcher”™ methane traps, which will collect flatulence from students, faculty, and staff for use as heating fuel during the winter. 

“To reduce processing costs, we encourage students and faculty to just go ahead and light their farts in class, to keep education spaces toasty,” urged Vice President for AssGas Doug McElroy.

In a related development, the College Heights Foundation announced that excess faculty and staff will be used for fuel in The Western™’s coal plant, beginning with the Assistant Deans, “who don’t do much anyway, and are therefore expendable.”
Also, Big Coal has targeted The Western™'s Hill for mountaintop removal.

 

 

 

 

 

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Ransdell With Sculpture

Dr. Ransdell, next to The Western™’s newest sculpture. E-mail us to help name it! We’ll print, anonymously, the best entries.

In This Issue:

Student Committed to State Mental Institution: An unidentified male The Western™ student has been committed to a local mental institution by his fraternity brothers after repeatedly refusing to have sex with his horny girlfriend. More >

News Shorts: The Western™ to End Equal Opportunity Practices, Expand Nepotism; Revolution 91.7 Announces Format Change; Student, Like, Totally Misunderstands “Swipable” Event. More>

The Western™ Announces Green, Energy-Saving Initiatives: President Gary Ransdell announced a series of new initiatives meant to catapult The Western™ into the “top ranks of green, energy efficient universities in south central Kentucky.” More>

Football Team to Play for Honor, Pride Next Season: In a move some hope will spare players and fans the pain of hoping for a winning football squad, coaches announced that after this years’ dismal season they would play only for honor and pride. More>

Outside WorldKentucky to Hold Guinness-Record Hoagie Sale to Solve Budget Woes: Entrepreneurialism may be the answer to Kentucky’s budget crisis, or so claims Chad Saalwechter, Director of the newly-created Food for Funds Initiative 2008. More>

Also In This Issue: More>

 

 

The Big Red Tool is the only newspaper at The Western printed on 100% recycled human skin. Contact us at thewestern.bigredtool@gmail.com.

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