screw you

December, 2008
Volume I, Issue V

Back Issues

**Next Issue: January Hmmm**

 

 

Football Team To Play for Honor, Pride Next Season

In a move some hope will spare players and fans the pain of hoping for a winning football squad, coaches announced that after this years’ dismal season they would play only for honor and pride.

“Let’s face it,” said not-yet-ex Coach David Elson, “we really stank things up this past year. From passing to running, we just couldn’t score. Meanwhile, our defense got scored on like a Times Square hooker. And sucked just as much. We really disappointed people at The Western™.”

Elson’s coaches noticed that every time the team fell behind by so many touchdowns that they couldn’t keep up, they shifted to playing for pride and honor. “That’s when it hit me,” said assistant coach Biff Mortenson, “forget about measurable stats like wins, TDs, and defense—we can’t do any that stuff anyway. Why not just go straight to playing for our pride? I mean, we have to salvage something.”

The team will also play for such intangibles as the thrill of the game, the tang of competition, and the joy of a soapy, slippery, hot shower after a cold defeat.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Ransdell With Sculpture

Dr. Ransdell, next to The Western™’s newest sculpture. E-mail us to help name it! We’ll print, anonymously, the best entries.

In This Issue:

Student Committed to State Mental Institution: An unidentified male The Western™ student has been committed to a local mental institution by his fraternity brothers after repeatedly refusing to have sex with his horny girlfriend. More >

News Shorts: The Western™ to End Equal Opportunity Practices, Expand Nepotism; Revolution 91.7 Announces Format Change; Student, Like, Totally Misunderstands “Swipable” Event. More>

The Western™ Announces Green, Energy-Saving Initiatives: President Gary Ransdell announced a series of new initiatives meant to catapult The Western™ into the “top ranks of green, energy efficient universities in south central Kentucky.” More>

Football Team to Play for Honor, Pride Next Season: In a move some hope will spare players and fans the pain of hoping for a winning football squad, coaches announced that after this years’ dismal season they would play only for honor and pride. More>

Outside WorldKentucky to Hold Guinness-Record Hoagie Sale to Solve Budget Woes: Entrepreneurialism may be the answer to Kentucky’s budget crisis, or so claims Chad Saalwechter, Director of the newly-created Food for Funds Initiative 2008. More>

Also In This Issue: More>

 

 

The Big Red Tool is the only newspaper at The Western printed on 100% recycled human skin. Contact us at thewestern.bigredtool@gmail.com.

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