screw you

December, 2008
Volume I, Issue V

Back Issues

**Next Issue: January Hmmm**



Also In This Issue:

p. 3: Professor Beats Student Unconscious for Continuously Referring to “Department of Astrology”

p. 3: The Western Announces New Prosti-Tuition Management System

p. 3: Faculty-Student Cornholing Event Creates Some Confusion

p. 3: Football Coaches Unmotivated By Current Salaries.  Need $57,000 More To Win Again

p. 3: Provost's Office Wins 2008 Craftsman Award for Most Tools Employed In A Semester

p. 3: ENG 100 Student Reads Voltaire, Discovers New Plane of Boredom

p. 3: New Study:  Humans with Horse Tails Stung by Fewer Flies, Mosquitoes









Ransdell With Sculpture

Dr. Ransdell, next to The Western™’s newest sculpture. E-mail us to help name it! We’ll print, anonymously, the best entries.

In This Issue:

Student Committed to State Mental Institution: An unidentified male The Western™ student has been committed to a local mental institution by his fraternity brothers after repeatedly refusing to have sex with his horny girlfriend. More >

News Shorts: The Western™ to End Equal Opportunity Practices, Expand Nepotism; Revolution 91.7 Announces Format Change; Student, Like, Totally Misunderstands “Swipable” Event. More>

The Western™ Announces Green, Energy-Saving Initiatives: President Gary Ransdell announced a series of new initiatives meant to catapult The Western™ into the “top ranks of green, energy efficient universities in south central Kentucky.” More>

Football Team to Play for Honor, Pride Next Season: In a move some hope will spare players and fans the pain of hoping for a winning football squad, coaches announced that after this years’ dismal season they would play only for honor and pride. More>

Outside WorldKentucky to Hold Guinness-Record Hoagie Sale to Solve Budget Woes: Entrepreneurialism may be the answer to Kentucky’s budget crisis, or so claims Chad Saalwechter, Director of the newly-created Food for Funds Initiative 2008. More>

Also In This Issue: More>



The Big Red Tool is the only newspaper at The Western printed on 100% recycled human skin. Contact us at


Copyright © 2008 The Big Red Tool
If you wish to cancel your subscription to this newsletter, click here.