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December, 2008
Volume I, Issue V

Back Issues

**Next Issue: January Hmmm**

 

 

THE OUTSIDE WORLD

Kentucky to Hold Guinness-Record Hoagie Sale to Solve Budget Woes

6” Ham With Hot Peppers to Fund Retirement System

Entrepreneurialism may be the answer to Kentucky’s budget crisis, or so claims Chad Saalwechter, Director of the newly-created Food for Funds Initiative 2008. 

Using seed money from the state’s “rainy day” fund, Saalwechter plans to help Kentucky set a Guinness world record for the planet’s largest hoagie sale.  Profits from the sale will be used to offset budget deficits. 

“At $6 per hoagie, we’ll only need to sell 76 million hoagies – around 18 per Kentucky resident – to cover the $456 million budget gap.  And that will be a world record,” exclaimed Saalwechter. 

Senate President David Williams explained that profits from 6” ham-with-hot-peppers hoagie sales will be used to restore baseline funding to the state retirement system.

To promote the event Governor Steve Beshear has declared the week of December 15 “Raisin-Chipotle Sauce Week.” The Western™ will be closed, and instead of laying around on the beach, faculty will be required to sell hoagies door-to-door in their neighborhoods.

Saalwechter urged consumers to avoid ordering roast beef with horseradish and Swiss hoagies, since the high cost of beef would “undermine our profit margin.”

He concluded his presentation by outlining the “Food for Funds 2009” plan.  “We’ll attack the fudge record, of course,” proclaimed Saalwechter.  “The 2.3 ton ‘Ottawa Monster’ slab is history if we can pack Churchill Downs with fudge on Derby Day.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Ransdell With Sculpture

Dr. Ransdell, next to The Western™’s newest sculpture. E-mail us to help name it! We’ll print, anonymously, the best entries.

In This Issue:

Student Committed to State Mental Institution: An unidentified male The Western™ student has been committed to a local mental institution by his fraternity brothers after repeatedly refusing to have sex with his horny girlfriend. More >

News Shorts: The Western™ to End Equal Opportunity Practices, Expand Nepotism; Revolution 91.7 Announces Format Change; Student, Like, Totally Misunderstands “Swipable” Event. More>

The Western™ Announces Green, Energy-Saving Initiatives: President Gary Ransdell announced a series of new initiatives meant to catapult The Western™ into the “top ranks of green, energy efficient universities in south central Kentucky.” More>

Football Team to Play for Honor, Pride Next Season: In a move some hope will spare players and fans the pain of hoping for a winning football squad, coaches announced that after this years’ dismal season they would play only for honor and pride. More>

Outside WorldKentucky to Hold Guinness-Record Hoagie Sale to Solve Budget Woes: Entrepreneurialism may be the answer to Kentucky’s budget crisis, or so claims Chad Saalwechter, Director of the newly-created Food for Funds Initiative 2008. More>

Also In This Issue: More>

 

 

The Big Red Tool is the only newspaper at The Western printed on 100% recycled human skin. Contact us at thewestern.bigredtool@gmail.com.

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