THE OUTSIDE WORLD
Kentucky to Hold Guinness-Record Hoagie Sale to Solve Budget Woes
6” Ham With Hot Peppers to Fund Retirement System
Entrepreneurialism may be the answer to Kentucky’s budget crisis, or so claims Chad Saalwechter, Director of the newly-created Food for Funds Initiative 2008.
Using seed money from the state’s “rainy day” fund, Saalwechter plans to help Kentucky set a Guinness world record for the planet’s largest hoagie sale. Profits from the sale will be used to offset budget deficits.
“At $6 per hoagie, we’ll only need to sell 76 million hoagies – around 18 per Kentucky resident – to cover the $456 million budget gap. And that will be a world record,” exclaimed Saalwechter.
Senate President David Williams explained that profits from 6” ham-with-hot-peppers hoagie sales will be used to restore baseline funding to the state retirement system.
To promote the event Governor Steve Beshear has declared the week of December 15 “Raisin-Chipotle Sauce Week.” The Western™ will be closed, and instead of laying around on the beach, faculty will be required to sell hoagies door-to-door in their neighborhoods.
Saalwechter urged consumers to avoid ordering roast beef with horseradish and Swiss hoagies, since the high cost of beef would “undermine our profit margin.”
He concluded his presentation by outlining the “Food for Funds 2009” plan. “We’ll attack the fudge record, of course,” proclaimed Saalwechter. “The 2.3 ton ‘Ottawa Monster’ slab is history if we can pack Churchill Downs with fudge on Derby Day.”