screw you

December, 2009
Volume II, Issue 3

 

 

 

 

Cherry Statue Comes to Life, Praises The Western™ Leadership

According to a small group of student and faculty witnesses, the bronze statue of Henry Hardin Cherry in front of Cherry Hall came to life around 4:30 pm on Tuesday, December 1. The animated statue of The Western™'s first president spoke for several minutes. The following text was transcribed from a blurry cell phone video of the apparently supernatural manifestation:

"My friends, I could not be happier with the current leadership at The Western™. I had always envisioned this university as a place where administrators were accorded proper deference and duly rewarded with fitting recompense. I felt strongly that we needed to build an extremely expensive football program as soon as time permitted. Unfortunately we did not have patsy majors such as Kinesiology, Communications, or University Experience for potential student-athletes. I fear that we have delayed too long, and are unwilling to sacrifice in order to ensure that we emerge victorious on the national level, cost what it may. In pursuance of these goals, it is my fond wish that the Board of Regents see fit to approve a doubling or even trebling of the current salaries of such fine administratory figures as Dean Kahler or Wood Selig during their January session in Frankfort, far from the eyes of malcontents, anarchists, and Fabián Álvarez."

The statue paused for several moments, sighed dismissively, and then added, "Oh, and keep educating people, I guess. And would it kill the professors here to put on a vest and tie once in a while?"

Cherry's statue then fell silent and froze into place once more, leaving onlookers mystified.

The Western™ legal counsel has issued a statement hailing Cherry's words as a complete vindication of current policy as well as any future decisions The Western™’s leadership may or may not make, while denying any belief in the supernatural.

 

 


Cut a hole in your monitor, bring it to Greener Groundz, mention Gabibbo, and get a free small pizza if you buy a large specialty one-topping pizza. Ask for pizza made by the sushi chef.

Coupon, stupid!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

blah

Smoke up
Early tests of the “Big Red Tail” colonoscopy machine on Wood Selig reveal interesting results.

In This Issue:

"Reality Star Studies" Major Online In January . . . More >

Coach Taggert Puts the "Tail" Back in Tailgating . . . More>

News Shorts . . . More>

Season Saved By Fourth-Quarter Heroics . . . More>

The Western™ License Plates . . . More>

Do People Talk Like That in Real Life? . . . More>

Also In This Issue . . . More>

Expert Consultants Added to Blue Ribbon Deception Panel . . . More>

Smoke up
Alternative-treatment colonoscopy.

 

The Big Red Tool agrees that sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
Contact us at thewestern.bigredtool@gmail.com
. Visit our blog at http://riseoverrunmag.com.

rss

Copyright © 2008-2009 The Big Red Tool
If you wish to cancel your subscription to this newsletter, click here.