Cherry Statue Comes to Life, Praises The Western™ Leadership
According to a small group of student and faculty witnesses, the bronze statue of Henry Hardin Cherry in front of Cherry Hall came to life around 4:30 pm on Tuesday, December 1. The animated statue of The Western™'s first president spoke for several minutes. The following text was transcribed from a blurry cell phone video of the apparently supernatural manifestation:
"My friends, I could not be happier with the current leadership at The Western™. I had always envisioned this university as a place where administrators were accorded proper deference and duly rewarded with fitting recompense. I felt strongly that we needed to build an extremely expensive football program as soon as time permitted. Unfortunately we did not have patsy majors such as Kinesiology, Communications, or University Experience for potential student-athletes. I fear that we have delayed too long, and are unwilling to sacrifice in order to ensure that we emerge victorious on the national level, cost what it may. In pursuance of these goals, it is my fond wish that the Board of Regents see fit to approve a doubling or even trebling of the current salaries of such fine administratory figures as Dean Kahler or Wood Selig during their January session in Frankfort, far from the eyes of malcontents, anarchists, and Fabián Álvarez."
The statue paused for several moments, sighed dismissively, and then added, "Oh, and keep educating people, I guess. And would it kill the professors here to put on a vest and tie once in a while?"
Cherry's statue then fell silent and froze into place once more, leaving onlookers mystified.
The Western™ legal counsel has issued a statement hailing Cherry's words as a complete vindication of current policy as well as any future decisions The Western™’s leadership may or may not make, while denying any belief in the supernatural.
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