screw you

December, 2009
Volume II, Issue 3

Back Issues



Season Saved By Fourth Quarter Heroics


With the game on the line and victory falling out of reach, Arkansas State quarterback Ryan Aplin rallied his team and rocketed a four-yard scoring strike to tight end J.T. Morgan, narrowing The Western’s™ lead to three with five minutes remaining in the game. Senior defensive end Alex Carrington’s dramatic fumble recovery and touchdown vaulted the Red Wolves into the lead with 3:49 remaining and sealed the win.

With the Red Wolves’ comeback triumph, The Big Red Tool’s satire season was saved. “We were really sweating there in the fourth quarter,” exclaimed senior Tool editor Janet “Big Mama” Brockner. “Our whole satire season flashed before our eyes. What the hell would we write about if The Western™ won a game this year?”

“The pluck, determination, and never-say-die spirit of the Red Wolves was an inspiration,” beamed Tool publishing facility bathroom attendant Roseanne Scarmadella. “I can tell you as an eyewitness that the Tool creative staff were crapping themselves at halftime – it was pretty clear to everyone that the satire season was lost. Those toilets are a mess, man.”

Tool staff writers expressed concern for the 2010 season. “Willy Taggart’s ‘must-win attitude’ is a serious concern for us. If they start winning we’re going to have to fall back on poop jokes, or making fun of Humanics.”


Cut a hole in your monitor, bring it to Greener Groundz, mention Gabibbo, and get a free small pizza if you buy a large specialty one-topping pizza. Ask for pizza made by the sushi chef.

Coupon, stupid!











Smoke up
Early tests of the “Big Red Tail” colonoscopy machine on Wood Selig reveal interesting results.

In This Issue:

"Reality Star Studies" Major Online In January . . . More >

Coach Taggert Puts the "Tail" Back in Tailgating . . . More>

News Shorts . . . More>

Season Saved By Fourth-Quarter Heroics . . . More>

The Western™ License Plates . . . More>

Do People Talk Like That in Real Life? . . . More>

Also In This Issue . . . More>

Expert Consultants Added to Blue Ribbon Deception Panel . . . More>

Smoke up
Alternative-treatment colonoscopy.


The Big Red Tool agrees that sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
Contact us at
. Visit our blog at


Copyright © 2008-2009 The Big Red Tool
If you wish to cancel your subscription to this newsletter, click here.