screw you

December, 2009
Volume II, Issue 3

Back Issues




Expert Consultants Added To Blue Ribbon "Deception Panel"

The growing ineffectiveness of standard Ransdellian deception tactics has been revealed during the recent controversy following the firing of football coach David Elson. Team Ransdell has begun searching for new answers to an old problem: how can the President get what he wants without telling the truth? An ad-hoc, blue ribbon Deception Panel comprised of cronies, pals, yes-men, and frat buddies has been formed to explore the issue.

“The ol’ bait-and-switch, usually disguised with the phrase ‘changing variables,’ has worked so well for so long that we’re really scratching our heads about how to replace it,” complained Chief of Staff Deborah “Tonto” Wilkins. “I mean, that trick of claiming we have tons of money to move into Division I-A football and then pleading poverty to justify scheduling ‘pay to play’ slaughter games against powerhouse teams – man, that was textbook bait-and-switch genius and really made us a lot of cash without having to answer a lot of questions with honesty.”

“Yeah, bait-and-switch worked great with the salary thing, too,” chimed in Regent and Deception Panel yes-(wo)man Yevette Haskins. “Remember when Dr. Ransdell pulled out the ‘it’s bad politics to pay teachers more in touch economic times’ line to quash raises, then used the ‘we can’t risk losing our top people’ argument to ram through those golden parachute contracts for himself, Dr. Burch, and Coach Elson? Man, that was sweet. Oh, wait, didn’t we fire that last guy?”

To date, the Deception Panel has considered several alternative lying tactics and frameworks, including Ponzi schemes, shell games, stalking horses, straw men, red herrings, flimflams, skin games, hustles, and rackets. “We just can’t find a simple tactic that is as useful, versatile, and powerful as the bait-and-switch,” lamented an unnamed anonymous source, which is another misdirection and misinformation tactic being considered by the Panel.

Public relations firm Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe has been retained to write an expert consultant report on the issue.



Cut a hole in your monitor, bring it to Greener Groundz, mention Gabibbo, and get a free small pizza if you buy a large specialty one-topping pizza. Ask for pizza made by the sushi chef.

Coupon, stupid!











Smoke up
Early tests of the “Big Red Tail” colonoscopy machine on Wood Selig reveal interesting results.

In This Issue:

"Reality Star Studies" Major Online In January . . . More >

Coach Taggert Puts the "Tail" Back in Tailgating . . . More>

News Shorts . . . More>

Season Saved By Fourth-Quarter Heroics . . . More>

The Western™ License Plates . . . More>

Do People Talk Like That in Real Life? . . . More>

Also In This Issue . . . More>

Expert Consultants Added to Blue Ribbon Deception Panel . . . More>

Smoke up
Alternative-treatment colonoscopy.


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