screw you

February, 2009
Volume I, Issue VI

Back Issues

**Next Issue: March 15th**




The Western™ Degree Program
Reduced to 12 Hours


In a move designed to make The Western™ “competitive with the most cutting-edge educational institutions,” Provost Barbara Burch announced Thursday that the undergraduate course of study will be reduced to 12 credit-hours of classwork.

“We must continue to shape our curriculum to fit the needs of today’s students,” explained Senior Tool Doug McElroy, architect of the new requirements. 

“Students have so many other essential activities, such as eating, sleeping, mourning deceased relatives, boning up on Wii Sports Tennis, flipping burgers at Sonic, and advocating for their interests in the SGA.  We simply must free them from unnecessary classroom time so they can focus on engagement activities that will help them in the real world.”

To maintain The Western’s™ revenues, students will be charged $4,121 per credit-hour.  “The education we provide is worth it!” beamed President Gary Ransdell. “Plus, we’ll be able to meet our stated goal of graduating 86,000 students per year by 2020.”

Departments are gearing up for the new system.  Beginning in 2010, the Department of Keeling will offer a 14 credit-hour J-Term study abroad program entitled “La Cuisine et Les Peuples de Nouvelle Orleans.”  The guided trip will allow students to complete a Bachelor’s and a Master’s degree in geography, French, geology, health sciences, philately, mathematics, botany, nursing, theology, aerospace engineering, gastronomy, architecture, and/or paleontology in three weeks.







Smoke up


In This Issue:

Incentives Offered to Increase Cigarette, Alcohol Consumption . . . More >

Porn Studies Major Considered by Board of Regents . . .More>

Ask Gabibbo: The Big Red Tool Responds to Reader Letters . . .More>

Around Campus: Image of President Ransdell Spotted in Fresh Foods Cheese Pizza, Beans; Rabbit Sculpture Draws Ire of Local Religious Group; The Western to Add New "Hall of Fame" to Academic, Athletics Hall of Fame . . .More>

Outside WorldBarney Frank Solves U.S. Financial Crisis . . .More>

The Best Entries from Our "Name That Sculpture Contest . . .More>



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