Ask Gabibbo--The Big Red Tool Responds to Reader Letters
Dear Gabibbo -
I am interested in art and questions of the supernatural, especially as they relate to student life at The Western™. Question: have you noticed that there are no gargoyles atop Pearce Ford Tower? We should be scared, very scared. Here’s why:
President Ransdell, in his follow-up email regarding last fall’s campus shooting scare, took great pains to define the term “lock-down.” The administration and the media also made it clear that crazed, gun-wielding black South Campus students were responsible for all our fears that day.
But officials failed to address—or REDRESS—the supernatural threats that students still face every single day!
It is clear that The Western™ has made no provisions for dealing with . . . the supernatural. Students ARE AT RISK of possession by evil spirits, hauntings, vampires, alternate dimension portals, and RAPTURE.
Thus, it is imperative that art funds be immediately allocated to protecting us from THREATS FROM BEYOND. And what better protection than gargoyles on top of PFT? Heck, I’d take gargoyle statues any day over such campus art atrocities as “Metal People Screwing” behind Van Meter or “Box of Steaming Grey Rocks” next to McLean. I do like “Wood Booby Bunny” next to Potter, though.
Since the dawn of time, gargoyles have warded off evil spirits. Personally, I’d prefer them to the alternative. I am tired of walking around wearing cloves of garlic and wolfsbane, always brandishing a crucifix. I haven’t had a date in my seven years here.
Dear Gabibbo, I beseech you to tell Gary that we need protection, not just from worldly, dark-skinned Community College foes, but also from enemies from beyond.
“Syphillus, the Wolf Monger” (A Loyal Tool Reader)
Please get your meds refilled.