screw you

February 2009
Volume I, Issue VI

Back Issues

**Next Issue: March 15**

 

 

Around Campus

 

Image of President Ransdell Spotted in Fresh Foods Cheese Pizza, Beans
A new religious movement was born at The Western™ two days ago when an image of President Ransdell was spotted in a cheese pizza and a large pot of refried beans in the Fresh Food Company in DUC. Although the image was somewhat hazy, witnesses nonetheless saw this as evidence of His Holiness’ all-encompassing awesomeness. “Tomorrow morning, ‘Holy Crap’ will take on a whole new meaning,” commented Archbishop David Elson.

 

Rabbit Sculpture Draws Ire of Local Religious Group
The Western™’s newest sculpture—a 12-foot rabbit carved from the trunk of a dying tree—has drawn the attention of a local religious group, who has accused The Western™ of promoting sex and pornography through its artwork. The Reverend Willy Bowman, marching at the head of a group of protesters, took several dozen pictures of what he called “those enormous, and quite perky, breasts,” which he said will require further study in the privacy of his own home.

 

The Western™ to Add New “Hall of Fame” to Alumni, Athletics Halls of Fame
As part of its continuing efforts to recognize those who have made great contributions to The Western™’s mission, next week The Western™ will unveil a new Hall of Fame to complement the Academic Hall of Fame and the Athletics Hall of Fame.

“This is a great day for The Western™, and this new form of recognition will be as prestigious, if not more so, than having one’s ashes enshrined in the Columbrarium,” said President Ransdell.

With the marching band playing a somber dirge in the background, President Ransdell unveiled the “Construction Hall of Fame,” dedicated to the full-time out-of-town construction contractors who have helped turn The Western™ into a “leading under-construction university with an eighty-foot-high crane reach.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

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In This Issue:

Incentives Offered to Increase Cigarette, Alcohol Consumption . . . More >

Porn Studies Major Considered by Board of Regents . . .More>

Ask Gabibbo: The Big Red Tool Responds to Reader Letters . . .More>

Around Campus: Image of President Ransdell Spotted in Fresh Foods Cheese Pizza, Beans; Rabbit Sculpture Draws Ire of Local REligious Group; Teh Western to Add New "HAll of Fame" to Academic, Athletics Hall of Fame . . .More>

Outside WorldBarney Frank Solves U.S. Financial Crisis . . .More>

The Best Entries from Our "Name That Sculpture Contest . . .More>

 

 

 

 

The Big Red Tool had carnal relations with every Jonas brother. At the same time. Contact us at thewestern.bigredtool@gmail.com. Visit our blogs at http://bigredtool.blogspot.com and at http://riseoverrunmag.com

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