The Western™ Denies Health Care to Queers, Dykes, Queens, Others
In a move designed to bolster the university's status as a leading American university, the Straight Benefits Committee voted on Tuesday to uphold its “equal work, unequal pay” ethic and deny health care benefits to broad segments of the The Western™ family.
“The Western™ has been at the forefront of progressive change for decades,” asserted President Ransdell. “Our university let heebs, spics, wops, and negroes play on our basketball team long before most of our other fellow redneck institutions in Kentucky. And today, any queer over 6' 4” who can hit threes and keep his high heels from scuffing Diddle's hard wood is welcome to sign up, too. Walk-on, of course.”
Explained General Counsel Deborah Wilkins, “Look, some of our best friends are gay, but while The Western™ values equality, let's face it: some people are more equal than others.”
The Western™’s Benefits Committee is also considering denying benefits to other high-risk groups such as blacks and pregnant women. Benefits Committee member Fred Phelps argued to Tool staff that medical data clearly support the moves. “Hey look, the CDC says blacks accounted for 35 percent of all new AIDS cases in 2006, even though they made up only 12 percent of the population. I mean, nothing personal; it's just math, right?”
Cutting benefits to pregnant women would make good health sense, too, according to Barrister Wilkins. “American law categorizes pregnancy as a ‘serious health condition’ or a state of ‘incapacity.’ We certainly don’t need to pay extra for such nonsense here at The Western™.”
Regarding the decision to deny people health care, the President elaborated, “Morally, it's just the right thing to do. We must maintain a benefits and insurance program that will allow us to compete with our peer institutions for talented faculty and staff,” asserted Dr. Ransdell.
“Those peer institutions include University of the Cumberlands, Lindsey Wilson College, Hopkinsville Community College, Mid-Continent University, and the Empire Hair Design Schools of Kentucky.”
The Western™’s Benefits Committee Meets to Discuss Partner Benefits