Lost Freshman Stumbles On President Ransdell's Secret Lair
Last Wednesday a lost freshman discovered a small, cramped room in the Cherry Hall cupola filled with television screens, binoculars, and a lawn chair.
“The screens were playing a loop of students slipping in the snow, with the theme song from ‘Benny Hill’ in the background,” the student said.
There in the lawn chair sat Gary Ransdell, sipping hot cocoa and playing a slide whistle every time someone fell on the ice.
“People don’t realize that the job of president gets burdensome,” Ransdell confided. “One of the main ways I can relax is by watching students and faculty injure themselves. This weather affords me an opportunity that’s just too good to miss.”
It was further discovered that discreet cameras had been placed near stairways and over especially steep parts of the hill.
One video captured Chief-of-Staff Deborah Wilkins, walkie-talkie in hand, behind a bush near the Faculty House stairs, ready to pull a trip wire on an unsuspecting victim.