The Western™ Bids a Fond Farwell to Camden “Wood” Selig
At the press conference to announce Wood Selig’s resignation from The Western, President Gary Ransdell offered warm congratulations to outgoing Athletic Director Wood Selig on finding a better job at Division II Old Dominion University.
"What a great circle to achieve in one's life," enthused Ransdell, "Going from your hometown to create the finest, most expensive, and most successful athletic program known to mankind here at The Western™, and then back to your hometown to rest on your laurels. We are very excited for Wood as he starts this new chapter in his life, and (sniff, sniff) ... aw, come give me a hug, big guy."
As President Ransdell and Selig expressed their everlasting loyalty to one another, one tearful woman in the crowd, rumored to be a barrister for The Western™, was heard to say, “See, that’s how real men express their love for one another – through sports. And ass-slapping.”
Some bystanders claimed that as she walked away she muttered something about domestic partner benefits, recently squelched by The Western’s™ "Some of my best friends are gay" Benefits committee.
Continued Ransdell, "Now I know there are some whiners and complainers among our hired help who will say that Wood's recent and well-deserved salary hike is going down the drain. But that's just silly. Wood demonstrates all the values we here in the Wetherby Building and Athletic Department hold dear, and you just can't put a price on values. Our students couldn't ask for a more shining example of professional ethics at the highest level."
"War is peace, love is hate," added the President, a beatific smile spreading across his face.
Outside MMTH, witnesses watched as Selig left town riding backward on a mule, screaming, "HAHAHAHAHAHA. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!....AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHA (pant) (wheeze) AAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"
The Selig Timeline
Last Friday, Dr. Camden “Wood” Selig, clad in ODU blue and grey superhero tights, cape, and winged chapeau, shot out of town astride a lightning bolt, declaring, “My work here is done.” The Tool presents a look back at his historic tenure.
Dec. 2002: Selig cruises Caribbean as The Western™’s football team captures national I-AA crown in Chattanooga.
April 2002: Selig calls Louisville’s AD “gutless and void of integrity” for failing to follow through on promises to The Western™.
Calendar Year 2008: Selig eliminates men’s soccer team to avoid “slashing budgets across the athletic department." Athletics budget grows 17.5% over previous year, to nearly $20 million.
Calendar Year 2009: Selig declares Coach David Elson’s job safe until 2012, pushes Elson raise and contract extension through Board of Regents, then fires Elson in middle of first FBS season.
December 2009: The Western™ pockets $1.1 million in “guarantee game” revenues for lucrative 0-12 season.
August 16, 2009: Selig changes fight song to “’Take the Money and Run,’ Sponsored by Pepsi®.”
Fall 2009: Selig calls for second stadium expansion to serve needs of The Western™’s ballooning football fan base; wins eating contest after consuming 211 artichokes in an hour.
Dec. 3, 2009: The Western™ sets new school record for consecutive football losses. Football season ticket sales decline and walk-up ticket sales drop 50 percent from previous season.
Jan. 27, 2010: Board of Regents approves Selig’s $34,000 raise and contract extension. President declares, “Such golden parachute packages are necessary to ensure that The Western™ retains key personnel in a competitive climate.”
Feb. 18, 2010: Selig accepts demotion to become AD at Division II Old Dominion University.
Feb. 19, 2010: At annual sportswriters' dinner, Selig wins coveted Golden Weasel, Bronze Balls, and Royal Jackass awards trifecta.
March 2010: President announces that The Western™ to recruit “knock ’em out pool of candidates” for abandoned, underpaid AD job.
2106: Ransdell retires; bicentennial commission declares Selig-Ransdell era "worst ever"