Pet Hiring Policy Implemented
In order to facilitate administrator recruitment, The Western™ has announced the implementation of a new pet hiring policy. The new policy will make it possible for The Western™ to attract talented administrator-pet owners who would not otherwise accept a job offer.
“Without a solid deal for Mr. Barky, there’s no way I’d have come to The Western™,” explained new Honors College Assistant Dean Marla Greene, whose Jack Russell terrier took a tenured position as associate professor in the Chemistry Department. “Barkums has particularly enjoyed teaching freshmen the finer points of galvanic testing of steel alloys. Hasn’t he! Who’s a good boy!”
Tool reporters questioned The Western™ President Gary Ransdell about the possibility of enacting a spousal hiring policy for faculty. The President, his border collie and Dean of Enrollment Growth “Topper” curled in his lap, explained that hiring faculty spouses “doesn’t make sense” financially, ethically, or politically. “Given the Commonwealth’s distaste for nepotism and the looming budget cuts, offering chattel-level instructors sweet hiring deals like those that administrators get would be disastrous.”