screw you

Feb, 2011
Volume III, Issue 4

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The Western™ Forensics Team to Debut Experimental Technique This Semester

The Western’s™ award-winning forensics team, reeling from its disappointing third-place showing in the Pan Galactic State Directional School championships, plans to unveil a secret technique referred to as the “pfft, whatever” rebuttal during competitions this semester.

“I know this sounds ridiculous,” explained coach Lace Jux, “but if executed properly, this phrase can convey the message ‘I have read and digested all of the relevant literature on this topic and have heard your feeble attempts at making a point, and I find nothing worth responding to’ in a stunningly effective manner.” The Western’s forensics team members have been practicing diligently since last year using mirrors, webcams, crash test dummies, and part-time faculty. One student actually set a test judge's hair on fire while deploying the new rebuttal, while another caused an opponent to collapse in a fit of uncontrollable sobbing.

The coaching staff has high hopes for this new approach, and feels that it can overcome the problems they have faced in the past with other experimental rebuttal techniques, such as “I’m rubber, you’re glue,” “I know you are but what am I,” and “talk to the hand.” Despite the successful trials of the new rebuttal, forensics students seem to be somewhat more ambivalent. Commented one member, “yeah, I guess it’s a neat idea, but all we really care about is making sure we recapture the SGA's 'Most Classes Missed in a Semester' award from the football team.

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In This Issue:

Pet Hiring . . . More >

The Western™ Forensics . . . More >

Ransdell Hall. . . More >

New Strategic Plan . . . More >

Also In this Issue . . . More >

DUC Fee . . . More >

The "Strenuous Life" . . . More >

Athletic Conference . . . More >

Homeless Problem . . . More >

Defense Against Diversity . . . More >

 

The Big Red Tool Aint Buyin It
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