screw you

Feb, 2011
Volume III, Issue 4

Back Issues



Fraternities to Embrace “Strenuous Life”

Last week’s College Heights Herald investigation of fraternity rushing, instead of uncovering yet another scandal over hazing, revealed a cornucopia of whole-some fun that awaits the young men of this year’s pledge classes. The Herald’s cover story featured a photo of smiling, healthy Hellenic youth engaging in water-pong, a test of skill in which competitors strive to toss their wholesome balls into artesian spring water-filled cups on a table.

SAE Games Master Phil Devins was careful to point out that this and other fraternity games will no longer involve demon rum, that scourge of mankind. “In the past, these games have tempted many of our pledges to embrace a wastrel lifestyle and squander their time at our fine institution of higher learning. But no more! From now on, only pure spring water, Louis Pasteurized heiffer's milk, and noble electrolytic athletic beverages shall pass our lips.”   

“Today’s rushes abhor the hedonistic indulgence and mindless tom-foolery that characterized Greek life in the early oughts of the new millennium,” explained SAE Pledge Director Saffron Daniels. “Our organization seeks men of substance, quality, vision, and achievement.” 

At the conclusion of their water pong tournament, the rushes of SAE retired to the basement for some hearty rough-and-tumble with the house goat, McStain. 

The Western™ Greek Life Director Charley Pride explained,”Our men wish to preach, not the doctrine of ignoble ease, but the doctrine of the strenuous life, the life of toil and effort, of labor and strife; to preach that highest form of success which comes, not to the man who desires mere easy peace, but to the man who does not shrink from danger, from hardship, or from bitter toil, and who out of these wins the splendid ultimate triumph.”












In This Issue:

Pet Hiring . . . More >

The Western™ Forensics . . . More >

Ransdell Hall. . . More >

New Strategic Plan . . . More >

Also In this Issue . . . More >

DUC Fee . . . More >

The "Strenuous Life" . . . More >

Athletic Conference . . . More >

Homeless Problem . . . More >

Defense Against Diversity . . . More >


The Big Red Tool Aint Buyin It
Contact us at


Copyright © 2008-2010 The Big Red Tool
If you wish to cancel your subscription to this newsletter, please click here.