screw you

January, 2010
Volume II, Issue 4

Back Issues

 

 

New Strategery Plan, Academic Program Mergers Announced

Facing an ever-deepening budget crisis, The Western™ has embarked on a radical reformulation of the long term Strategery Plan.

On Friday, outgoing Provost Barbara Burch announced that several educational units will merge in order to reduce academic overhead, which is Goal Number One of the new Strategery Plan.

Newly merged departments, programs, and colleges will include:

  • Department of Philosophical Geology
  • Forensic Astronomy Program
  • Department of Military Film Studies
  • ICSET School of Combustion Theatre
  • DELOgden College of Teach-O-Metric Sciences
  • Department of English and Communication Disorders
  • Department of Athletic Nursing
  • Department of Kinesiology, Recreation, Sport, History, Family Sciences, Sociology, and Marketing
  • University Agriculture Experience

Cost savings achieved by the mergers will be used to create several new, urgently-needed slots in academic administration, including a Vice President for Engaging Student Engagement, a Dean and two Assistant Deans of Digital Measures Implementation, a Director of Credit Hour Production Statistics and Reporting Services, a Dean of Leading American University Initiatives, a Dean of International Reaching, a Vice President for Navitas Revenue Streams, a Director of Digital Commons Management, as well as an Assistant Vice Provost for Procuring Administrative Raises.

President Ransdell also announced that he will combine the two Deans With Two First Names into One Dean with Eight First Names.


Cut a hole in your monitor, bring this coupon to Greener Groundz, mention Gabibbo, and get a hug from the staff. A grandmother-y hug. Not the other kind, you perv.

Coupon, stupid!

Reward Offered

I will pay $5 for information leading to the recovery of my Ed Hardy Snake Skull Jeans. Last seen prior to nude Jager-motivated streaking, Oct. 31st, wrapped crotch-first around Henry Hardin Cherry’s face, with skid marks in seat (don’t wear!).

Anyone with information on my pants should call my cell (270-555-TROW).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

blah

Smoke up
The Western™ grads show
off their new regalia.

In This Issue:

New Coach Introduced . . . More >

Jody Richards Receives . . . More >

Pres. Ransdell Announces . . . More >

Enegery Plan Unveiled . . . More >

The Rumor Mill/Around Campus . . . More >

Jersey Shore Nicknames . . . More >

New Catchphrase . . . More >

Smoke up
Graduation, 2009: Pope Ransdell Absolves Students of 4 - 8 Years of Sinning. “Go now, and leave your life of sin. Leave some money behind, too.”

Smoke up
The University Agriculture Experience department released a picture of the new crop of cupolas that will be used in various places around campus. “A Chicken in Every Pot, and a Cupola on Every Garage,” intoned President Ransdell.

 

The Big Red Tool wounds your heart with a monotonous languor.
Contact us at thewestern.bigredtool@gmail.com
. Visit our blog at http://riseoverrunmag.com.

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