screw you

January, 2010
Volume II, Issue 4

Back Issues

 

 

 

New Coach Introduced

President Ransdell and the Board of Regents proudly unveiled Coach Taggert’s new contract this past Wednesday. “This is something that will move the team, and The Western™, forward,” gushed President Ransdell.

The new contract pays Taggert a bonus for winning six games--or just above fifty percent--in a single season. “Hey, one out of two ain’t bad,” commented Ransdell, “I bet our students get that all the time.”

An additional clause includes a $5000 bonus for each week he goes without getting caught having sex with a female athlete in a parking garage. Coach Taggert has set his sights on Eastern Michigan’s 0-12, 119th-place ranking in the CBS college football poll. “We’re comin’ for you, baby,” challenged Taggert.

At the same press conference, the team unveiled its new slogan, “The March Towards Mediocrity,” which replaces the old slogan “Please Don’t Hit Us.”


Cut a hole in your monitor, bring this coupon to Greener Groundz, mention Gabibbo, and get a hug from the staff. A grandmother-y hug. Not the other kind, you perv.

Coupon, stupid!

Reward Offered

I will pay $5 for information leading to the recovery of my Ed Hardy Snake Skull Jeans. Last seen prior to nude Jager-motivated streaking, Oct. 31st, wrapped crotch-first around Henry Hardin Cherry’s face, with skid marks in seat (don’t wear!).

Anyone with information on my pants should call my cell (270-555-TROW).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

blah

Smoke up
The Western™ grads show
off their new regalia.

In This Issue:

New Coach Introduced . . . More >

Jody Richards Receives . . . More >

Pres. Ransdell Announces . . . More >

Enegery Plan Unveiled . . . More >

The Rumor Mill/Around Campus . . . More >

Jersey Shore Nicknames . . . More >

New Catchphrase . . . More >

Smoke up
Graduation, 2009: Pope Ransdell Absolves Students of 4 - 8 Years of Sinning. “Go now, and leave your life of sin. Leave some money behind, too.”

Smoke up
The University Agriculture Experience department released a picture of the new crop of cupolas that will be used in various places around campus. “A Chicken in Every Pot, and a Cupola on Every Garage,” intoned President Ransdell.

 

The Big Red Tool wounds your heart with a monotonous languor.
Contact us at thewestern.bigredtool@gmail.com
. Visit our blog at http://riseoverrunmag.com.

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