screw you

January, 2010
Volume II, Issue 4

Back Issues

 

 

 

Jody Richards Receives Honorary Degree

State Representative Jody Richards received his honorary degree from The Western™ at the Winter 2009 graduation. During the ceremony President Ransdell conferred the degree with the blessing that Richards is "now entitled to all the rights and privileges that this degree confers."

Dr. Richards’ rights and privileges now include:

  • Reference letter for part-time employment at Barnes and Noble
  • Lifetime subscription to The Western™ Spirit alumni magazine
  • Free FACET seminars for life
  • Ten percent discount, free large fries (first visit only), at Big Red Zone
  • Student discount on football tickets
  • Four percent merit increase, annually, depending on contingencies and variables
  • Emasculating underemployment
  • Bleak job prospects in academia, followed petty inter-departmental disputes leading to a tenure vote, and then thirty years of drudgery.
  • Participation in meaningless faculty governance

Upon being informed of his additional rights and privileges, Dr. Richards has entered into negotiations to return his honorary degree.

 


Cut a hole in your monitor, bring this coupon to Greener Groundz, mention Gabibbo, and get a hug from the staff. A grandmother-y hug. Not the other kind, you perv.

Coupon, stupid!

Reward Offered

I will pay $5 for information leading to the recovery of my Ed Hardy Snake Skull Jeans. Last seen prior to nude Jager-motivated streaking, Oct. 31st, wrapped crotch-first around Henry Hardin Cherry’s face, with skid marks in seat (don’t wear!).

Anyone with information on my pants should call my cell (270-555-TROW).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

blah

Smoke up
The Western™ grads show
off their new regalia.

In This Issue:

New Coach Introduced . . . More >

Jody Richards Receives . . . More >

Pres. Ransdell Announces . . . More >

Enegery Plan Unveiled . . . More >

The Rumor Mill/Around Campus . . . More >

Jersey Shore Nicknames . . . More >

New Catchphrase . . . More >

Smoke up
Graduation, 2009: Pope Ransdell Absolves Students of 4 - 8 Years of Sinning. “Go now, and leave your life of sin. Leave some money behind, too.”

Smoke up
The University Agriculture Experience department released a picture of the new crop of cupolas that will be used in various places around campus. “A Chicken in Every Pot, and a Cupola on Every Garage,” intoned President Ransdell.

 

The Big Red Tool wounds your heart with a monotonous languor.
Contact us at thewestern.bigredtool@gmail.com
. Visit our blog at http://riseoverrunmag.com.

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