screw you

January, 2010
Volume II, Issue 4

Back Issues

 

 

 

“Intermittent Energy” Plan Unveiled

With deeper budget cuts expected in the near future, The Western™ is taking bold action to save money. On Tuesday, Campus Services Chief John Osborne unveiled a new plan that will “literally cut our energy costs in half.”

In the new scheme, heat, electricity, and internal combustion engines will only function for half of each work day. “This is a vast improvement over [Christian] Ryan-Downing’s whole ‘no-power Thursdays’ concept” commented Osborne.

Junction boxes in campus buildings will be equipped with special switches that will turn electrical power on and off in 5-second intervals.

“I think that the cost savings will justify the added preparation time faculty will need to adjust to the increased functionality of the new energy system,” opined President Ransdell.

“And I figure that if we simply cut power supplied to current buildings in half, then we can erect twice as many new buildings and maintain the same energy cost structure…. Isn’t that right, Debbie?,” added Ransdell as his Chief of Staff nodded vigorously in agreement.

Campus leaders expect that the new energy system will advance the goals of the Quality Enhancement Plan (QEP), as well.

“I expect that flashing the lights on and off every five seconds will at least keep our students from sleeping during all those boring faculty lectures,” surmised Regent Yevette Haskins.

Students suffering from epilepsy will be advised to close their eyes while indoors on campus.

The Western™ hopes to apply the emerging “Intermittent Paradigm” to other areas of campus operations. For example, beginning in August the university will implement intermittent emergency response service. Ransdell also pointed out that The Western™ football’s defense has been playing intermittently for years.

Engineers at the ICSET business incubator and Combustion Theatre lab in the Big Lots mall expect to bring a “dramatic intermittent flushing” toilet to market by May, in time for final exam weeks across the Commonwealth.

 


Cut a hole in your monitor, bring this coupon to Greener Groundz, mention Gabibbo, and get a hug from the staff. A grandmother-y hug. Not the other kind, you perv.

Coupon, stupid!

Reward Offered

I will pay $5 for information leading to the recovery of my Ed Hardy Snake Skull Jeans. Last seen prior to nude Jager-motivated streaking, Oct. 31st, wrapped crotch-first around Henry Hardin Cherry’s face, with skid marks in seat (don’t wear!).

Anyone with information on my pants should call my cell (270-555-TROW).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

blah

Smoke up
The Western™ grads show
off their new regalia.

In This Issue:

New Coach Introduced . . . More >

Jody Richards Receives . . . More >

Pres. Ransdell Announces . . . More >

Enegery Plan Unveiled . . . More >

The Rumor Mill/Around Campus . . . More >

Jersey Shore Nicknames . . . More >

New Catchphrase . . . More >

Smoke up
Graduation, 2009: Pope Ransdell Absolves Students of 4 - 8 Years of Sinning. “Go now, and leave your life of sin. Leave some money behind, too.”

Smoke up
The University Agriculture Experience department released a picture of the new crop of cupolas that will be used in various places around campus. “A Chicken in Every Pot, and a Cupola on Every Garage,” intoned President Ransdell.

 

The Big Red Tool wounds your heart with a monotonous languor.
Contact us at thewestern.bigredtool@gmail.com
. Visit our blog at http://riseoverrunmag.com.

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