WKYU-PBS To Debut New Wildlife Show
WKYU-PBS will debut a new show this fall, to be entitled “Mutual of The Western™’s Quasi-Wild Kingdom.” Hosted by Barbara Deeb, the show will investigate the nominally-examined life of faculty in their natural habitats.
“We’ve modeled this closely on the hit Animal Planet show ‘Meerkat Manor’, but instead of merely observing the cute little faculty as they poke their heads out of their tiny offices, we’re going to shoot them,” explained Lead Tracker Sylvia Gaiko. “Not with real bullets, of course,” she chuckled.
Instead, she continued, her team will tranquilize faculty using Airsoft guns loaded with cheap bourbon and quaaludes.
“Thus stunned, it will be easy to insert RFID chips under the skin and then affix tracking bracelets to their ankles that will enable the administration to more effectively monitor faculty movements. It’s really frustrating when the faculty keep disappearing on us, trotting off for vacations, spending their summers lounging in Tahiti, or at Blackpool beach,” explained Not-Provost Gordon Baylis.
“Early experiments with radio collars proved ineffective,” noted Gaiko. “Faculty kept trying to chew off the collars and their heads would get stuck. It was a mess.”
“Currently, we’re using an interdisciplinary approach to our data collection process, and adapting a bracelet typically seen in the Corrections industry. We haven’t gotten all bids back yet, but I’m a particular fan of The Tattle Tale™,” stated Mike Dale. “I’m especially excited about the integrated GPS Bluetooth tracking capabilities, so I can have a ‘top offenders’ list tweeted directly to my smart phone if faculty make any sudden moves towards the outer boundaries.”
WKYU-PBS is weighing other Serengeti-inspired personnel management strategies to prevent faculty from leaving campus without proper authorization, including programming the way-finding signs at the edges of campus to provide electric shocks to the ankle bracelets of wanderers, and marking campus boundaries with Alpha Male Ransdell’s scat and urine.
“It’s important to collect this field data to confirm our RCAP-sponsored research hypothesis on faculty movements. We’ll correlate our collected biometric data with the baseline images from the mandatory mugshots we’ve captured through our The Western™ branding process, to confirm the identity of each specimen,” explained Baylis.
Provost Angus Emslie deflected any criticism about treatment of faculty members, claiming that such simple creatures couldn’t be trusted to report their activities correctly. “We need to know it’s official travel, and that it’s not basically a vacation day.”