screw you

Oct, 2010
Volume III, Issue 2

Back Issues

**Next Issue: August, 2009**



"Let Them Eat Cake!!"
Proclaims Regent Haskins

At the Board of Regents’ April Meeting, Vice Chair Yevette Haskins informed The Western’s™ faculty that their services will no longer be needed.

Haskins, citing her extensive corporate experience as an appointee to nearly seven uncompensated charity and service boards, explained to the Board of Regents that the “business model” dictates that The Western™ must end expensive, low-yield investments in education. Instead The Western™ will nurture profitable, revenue-generating operations like administration, athletics, and construction.

Regent Haskins, whose husband Clem abandoned The Western™ in 1986 to coach at the University of Minnesota, advised disloyal, traitorous faculty who are leaving The Western™ for better-paying jobs at progressive, financially-stable universities to “make sure the door doesn’t hit your ass on the way out.” Haskins stated unequivocally “Look, Clem assures me that as long as you are in athletics you can get a higher-paying job anywhere you want. It’s career mobility enhancement.”

“It’s those dirty faculty who are the problem. Lazy, selfish faculty are expendable. Their gravy train has reached the end of the line,” Haskins concluded. “And I know gravy train.”

Amidst muted chuckles from President Ransdell, Haskins claimed to have read the entire The Western™ budget and wanted to offer suggestions for cost-cutting measures. “Look, what’s with all this waste in the Music Department. If the oboe faculty don’t think they’re making enough money, they should go to a Bowling Green subway station and do some busking. And what the hell’s a ‘euphonium’, anyway?”

Haskins then excused herself from the Regents’ meeting during the lunch break, claiming that she was late for a meeting of the Greater Campbellsville One-Way Street Synchronization Task Force. “I do important committee work to help solve the world’s problems every day.”  







Smoke up


In This Issue:

Long-haired Arab Hippie Arrested . . .More >

Interview With the SGA. . . More>

Top The Western™ Administrators Meet . . . More>

Breaking News!! . . . More>

Around Campus: Bob Corncob Releases Survey; Board of Regents Mandates New Language Policy . . . More>


Thanks for a great first year! See you in the fall. Help replace our graduating writers--if you want to write anonymously for the tool, drop us a note.



The Big Red Tool would like to thank our biggest contributors for 2009: AH, JAJ, BB, GAR, DM.
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