"Let Them Eat Cake!!"
Proclaims Regent Haskins
At the Board of Regents’ April Meeting, Vice Chair Yevette Haskins informed The Western’s™ faculty that their services will no longer be needed.
Haskins, citing her extensive corporate experience as an appointee to nearly seven uncompensated charity and service boards, explained to the Board of Regents that the “business model” dictates that The Western™ must end expensive, low-yield investments in education. Instead The Western™ will nurture profitable, revenue-generating operations like administration, athletics, and construction.
Regent Haskins, whose husband Clem abandoned The Western™ in 1986 to coach at the University of Minnesota, advised disloyal, traitorous faculty who are leaving The Western™ for better-paying jobs at progressive, financially-stable universities to “make sure the door doesn’t hit your ass on the way out.” Haskins stated unequivocally “Look, Clem assures me that as long as you are in athletics you can get a higher-paying job anywhere you want. It’s career mobility enhancement.”
“It’s those dirty faculty who are the problem. Lazy, selfish faculty are expendable. Their gravy train has reached the end of the line,” Haskins concluded. “And I know gravy train.”
Amidst muted chuckles from President Ransdell, Haskins claimed to have read the entire The Western™ budget and wanted to offer suggestions for cost-cutting measures. “Look, what’s with all this waste in the Music Department. If the oboe faculty don’t think they’re making enough money, they should go to a Bowling Green subway station and do some busking. And what the hell’s a ‘euphonium’, anyway?”
Haskins then excused herself from the Regents’ meeting during the lunch break, claiming that she was late for a meeting of the Greater Campbellsville One-Way Street Synchronization Task Force. “I do important committee work to help solve the world’s problems every day.”