screw you

May, 2009
Volume I, Issue VIII

Back Issues

**Next Issue: August, 2009**



Long-Haired Arab Hippie Arrested at Columbarium

Local police arrested a long-haired, bearded, Arab-looking man for loitering at the site of the new campus Columbarium.

A The Western™ spokes-person explained, “When approached by police, the subject attempted to touch and ‘bless’ the officers, who responded with baton work to the subject’s arms and torso.”

In his statement to police, the serene wanderer claimed to be a religious deity and a The Western™ alumnus returning to campus after a 2000-year absence to “bless the ground” for the new chapel and graveyard. “I guess he just got the homecoming date wrong!” laughed Lieutenant Mike Miciotto.

Police spokesman Brian Ward explained that authorities believe the homeless man to be an illegal immigrant, but don’t think that his identification papers substantiate the man’s claim to be from the country “Heaven.”

“He’s goin’ back to Arabiastan or wherever it is he’s actually from,” concluded Ward.





Smoke up


In This Issue:

Long-haired Arab Hippie Arrested . . .More >

Interview With the SGA. . . More>

Top The Western™ Administrators Meet . . . More>

Breaking News!! . . . More>

Around Campus: Bob Corncob Releases Survey; Board of Regents Mandates New Language Policy . . . More>


Thanks for a great first year! See you in the fall. Help replace our graduating writers--if you want to write anonymously for the tool, drop us a note.



The Big Red Tool would like to thank our biggest contributors for 2009: AH, JAJ, BB, GAR, DM.
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