screw you

May, 2009
Volume I, Issue VIII

Back Issues

**Next Issue: August, 2009**



Tool reporters caught up with the SGA’s new Command Team at their underground, undisclosed location in Allen County, near the JR. Foods. Surrounded by Lincoln Logs and empty cans of Old Milwaukee, the student-leaders were modeling the upcoming SGA agenda for 2009-10. They took a break from their planning session to answer some of our questions.


Q. Have you ever been teabagging? Or been teabagged? Do you support Americans’ right to teabag?

SMILEY: Yes. Yes. Yes. Teabagging is a fairly commercial process and should be respected as a plausible alternative to teaboxing or even tee-totaling.

THURMAN: I have never been teabagging nor have I ever been teabagged. If an American chooses to teabag that is his decision. However, I am unsympathetic to any loss of function, destruction of property and/or physical/emotional pain that arises from that course of action.

Q: If you were an American Idol contestant, which judge would you sleep with to win $1 million--Randy, Simon, or Ryan?

BRYAN: I guess I'd sleep with Seacrest. That may secure me a spot on the New Year's Rockin' Eve broadcast.

THURMAN: Are we assuming that Paula has already slept with me?

Q: What's the SGA corporate jet like?

SMILEY: Other than being currently above you at 10,000 feet, it features a jacuzzi, gold sinks, two bowling alleys, platinum busts of all university administrators, T.I.'s jail cell, eight varied dance clubs, the entire city of Miami, $1400 dollar tumblers specifically for patrón [sic], a moderately sized beach and a desk for doing work.

THURMAN: SGA is currently in the market for a new jet. The old Gulfstream III is too small and smells of skunk and Doritos.

Q. What color is your leadership, and why?

SMILEY: Blorange. Leadership is fictional.

Unfortunately, we were forced to cut the interview short when the leadership team’s slurred speech made it impossible to figure out what they were saying. That, and the fact that none of them had showered in four days made it too unpleasant for us to bear.




Smoke up


In This Issue:

Long-haired Arab Hippie Arrested . . .More >

Interview With the SGA. . . More>

Top The Western™ Administrators Meet . . . More>

Breaking News!! . . . More>

Around Campus: Bob Corncob Releases Survey; Board of Regents Mandates New Language Policy . . . More>


Thanks for a great first year! See you in the fall. Help replace our graduating writers--if you want to write anonymously for the tool, drop us a note.



The Big Red Tool would like to thank our biggest contributors for 2009: AH, JAJ, BB, GAR, DM.
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