screw you

May, 2009
Volume I, Issue VIII

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**Next Issue: August, 2009**



Top The Western™ Administrators, Regents Meet to Watch Year-End "Bloopers" Reel

An undercover reporter for the Big Red Tool, posing as an audiovisual technician, recently infiltrated a showing of a “highlights” film of the 2008-2009 academic year. The Academic Council and Board of Regents were in attendance.

President Ransdell, acting as emcee, showed a variety of comedy clips in which faculty and staff wasted their time strenuously debating issues that had been decided months or years in advance.

The audience roared with laughter at the naïve, earnest looks on the faces of staff and faculty as they protested The Western’s™ $250,000-per-year lease of spaces in the still-unbuilt downtown parking garage.

“Look, look, they REALLY think they have a chance at changing our minds,” scoffed Larry Zielke. “Man, they fall for it every single time,” chortled Deborah Wilkins, wiping tears from her eyes.

The audience reacted with raucous laughter to scenes from recent faculty and staff budget forums, as the hidden camera zoomed in on the concerned faces of those in attendance. “Isn’t it cute how they just keep hanging on to hope up until the very end? I mean, some of them seriously believed they had a chance at getting a raise this year,” commented Lois Gray.

“Haw haw, those eggheads sure are stupid,” added Regent Yevette Haskins.




Smoke up


In This Issue:

Long-haired Arab Hippie Arrested . . .More >

Interview With the SGA. . . More>

Top The Western™ Administrators Meet . . . More>

Breaking News!! . . . More>

Around Campus: Bob Corncob Releases Survey; Board of Regents Mandates New Language Policy . . . More>


Thanks for a great first year! See you in the fall. Help replace our graduating writers--if you want to write anonymously for the tool, drop us a note.



The Big Red Tool would like to thank our biggest contributors for 2009: AH, JAJ, BB, GAR, DM.
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