screw you

May, 2009
Volume I, Issue VIII

Back Issues

**Next Issue: August, 2009**

Breaking News!!

The investigative team at the Big Red Tool has uncovered several documents of interest to The Western™ community.

The first is an internal memo from Yevette Haskins ordering Gary Ransdell to replace the top-level administration with Gatton Academy “Experiential Learners.” According to Haskins these gifted 11th and 12th graders will formulate the annual budget, update sexual harassment guidelines, increase minority recruitment, and implement a Twitter-based Gen Ed coursework model.

“Pick any fifteen gifted Gatton Academy students, and they could easily do the job of someone like Curt, uhm Cody, er, no, um Celeste Cobane, over in Honors. Or whatever the hell his name is,” commented uber-Regent Haskins. CFO Ann Meade commented that “this will greatly simplify the bonus structure, since high school students are happy to work for medium cheese-and-anchovy pizzas.”

Each year the students evaluate faculty, faculty evaluate students, administrators evaluate faculty, and faculty evaluate administrators. Except President Ransdell.

He submits a self-evaluation to the Board of Regents. The crack Investigate Division of the Big Red Tool has obtained a copy of this years’ evaluation (shown below). At the Board meeting Regent Larry Zielke made a motion to increase President Ransdell’s salary. “Just look at that! This man’s worth every penny, and more! We don’t want to lose him.”







Smoke up


In This Issue:

Long-haired Arab Hippie Arrested . . .More >

Interview With the SGA. . . More>

Top The Western™ Administrators Meet . . . More>

Breaking News!! . . . More>

Around Campus: Bob Corncob Releases Survey; Board of Regents Mandates New Language Policy . . . More>


Thanks for a great first year! See you in the fall. Help replace our graduating writers--if you want to write anonymously for the tool, drop us a note.





The Big Red Tool would like to thank our biggest contributors for 2009: AH, JAJ, BB, GAR, DM.
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