screw you

May, 2009
Volume I, Issue VIII

Back Issues

**Next Issue: August, 2009**

Around Campus

Bob Corncob Releases Staff and Faculty Survey List:
"10 Things I'd Do to Keep My Job at The Western™"

  1. Go to my first The Western™ football game; be sure Gary Ransdell sees me.
  2. Turn in my grades on time.
  3. No more drunk Faculty-All posts, unless I hack Kirchmeyer’s computer. Again.
  4. Don’t distribute Tool issues late at night.
  5. Stop wearing Scottish kilt in traditional fashion.
  6. Repeat mantra: “I love the ‘Engaging the Spirit’ conference!”
  7. Buy an Ed.D.
  8. Disguise voice, use fake name on phone. Pink-slip guy won’t find me.
  9. “Big Red likes to spoon.”
  10. Believe that larger class sizes yield better learning outcomes; that the phrase “critical thinking” means something different from what faculty already do; that students are customers; that teaching quality is quantifiable; that students really do have differentiated learning styles that must be accommodated; that buildings are more important than people; and so on and so on and so on.

Board of Regents Mandates New Language Policy

The Board of Regents has decreed that all official correspondence at The Western™ shall henceforth employ the following language:

  • Debt will be referred to as “Bank Bailout Contributions.” Budget cuts will be referred to as “Strategic Revenue Reallocation.”
  • Layoffs will be referred to as “Work Force Maximization Realignments.”
  • Members of the Board of Regents will now be referred to as “Your Highness” or “Massa.”
  • Presidential bonus payments will be referred to as “Leadership Incentive Investments.”
  • Money spent squandered on non-essential building projects will be referred to as “Strategic Initiatives.”
  • Barren River Lake waterfront property gifted to athletic coaches will be referred to as “Athletic Recuperation and Strategic Planning Facilities.”
  • Energy waste will be described as “return of natural resources to the biosphere.”

In an interview with Tool staff, President Gary Ransdell concluded, “As we thrust resolutely toward the future, The Western™ will engage in strategic revenue reallocation and work force maximization realignment, while at the same time increasing bank bailout contributions and pursuing a wide range of strategic initiatives.”




Smoke up


In This Issue:

Long-haired Arab Hippie Arrested . . .More >

Interview With the SGA. . . More>

Top The Western™ Administrators Meet . . . More>

Breaking News!! . . . More>

Around Campus: Bob Corncob Releases Survey; Board of Regents Mandates New Language Policy . . . More>


Thanks for a great first year! See you in the fall. Help replace our graduating writers--if you want to write anonymously for the tool, drop us a note.



The Big Red Tool would like to thank our biggest contributors for 2009: AH, JAJ, BB, GAR, DM.
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