screw you

May, 2010
Volume II, Issue 7

Back Issues

 

 

NEW PROVOST INTRODUCED

At a press conference last Tuesday, President Ransdell introduced the new Provost and Vice President for Academic Affairs, Angus “Gordon” Emslie.

“Dr. Angus G. Emslie’s record of scholarship and leadership is impeccable, and we are very fortunate to have him,” beamed Ransdell. “I’m told that his most recent publication, ‘Transgressing the Boundaries: Toward a Transformative Hermeneutics of Quantum Gravity’ was nominated for a Pulitzer Prize in Physics.”

Stepping to the podium, Emslie greeted the audience. “Guid eenin! Thenk ye uncoly! Nice tae meit ye, an may ye aye juist be sae happie as ah wuss ye aye tae be. Ah coudnae be meir chuffed tae be yir noo provost an aw. Ahm a hoachie lad, sae ah am! Ah ken wha yir giein me is yir troost, an ah kin tell ye it willnae be fer nowt.” A chorus of nervous smiles and sidelong glances met Emslie’s words.

After what appeared to be either a brief outline of his planned internationalization initiative or a grocery list, Emslie began to warm to his audience. “Noo ah noo thet thir’s mony o ye whit air sairly disappointed wi’ no gettin’ mair dosh, but it’s laik mah faither aye saed, ‘Cha b’e sin caora, ‘se sin mo chèile a bha innte’!” Emslie then roared with laughter for several minutes.

At one point, commotion erupted after Emslie offered the outgoing provost “a wee Glesgae kuss oan yir gaein oot.” Burch soon regained consciousness and thanked Emslie for his introduction to the customs of his native land.

FaCET has announced that they will offer a “wee webinar” for aspiring administrators at this summer’s Engaging the Spirit Conference, tentatively entitled, “Rethinking the Ass-Kissing Paradigm: Brown-Nosing an Unintelligible Provost.”

 

 

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Oral Arguments
Oral Arguments in ISCET Lawsuit to be Relocated from Warren County Court

In This Issue:

New Provost Introduced . . . More >

The Western™ to Expand Benefits . . . More >

Outgoing Provost Finalizes . . . More >

Potter Dean Tortures . . . More >

Campus Happenings . . . More >

Big Red Tool Prohibited From . . . More >

Ransdell to Solve Nation's . . . More >

Inside this Edition . . . More >

Vampires Discovered . . . More >

Stop the Presses! . . . More >

Ask Gabby . . . More >

Free Coupon! . . . More >

Bonus Online-Only Feature . . . More >

 

 

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