The Western™ to Expand Benefits to "Other Qualified Dependents"
Celebrations lasted into the night across campus and throughout the community following the The Western™’s decision to expand benefits to include so-called “Other Qualified Dependents.” “This is the moment we’ve been waiting for,” sobbed Pat Patterson, local lesbian.
In related news:
- Gay and Straight Proponents Celebrate New Benefits with Awkward Hugs (p. 69)
- Big Red cancels move to Old Dominion in anticipation of OQD status. “I’m finally comfortable in my own dingy bathroom rug! I enjoy eating basket-balls” (p. 72)
- The The Western™ to Publicly Identify Homosexual Employees for “Special Treatment” (p. 104)
- Warren County divorce rate soars as dirty heteros who married only for benefits sever legal ties and savor the sweet taste of freedom (p. 3)
- Local swingers club (270-745-5276) prepares for uptick in membership (p. 33)
On Friday, Faculty Regent Patti Minter was lauded with a brief parade in the alley between the Faculty House and the East Wing of Cherry Hall. In lieu of ticker tape, the Geographicology Department supplied shredded study abroad financial records with which to shower the celebrants.