screw you

May, 2010
Volume II, Issue 7

Back Issues

 

 

The Western™ to Expand Benefits to "Other Qualified Dependents"

Celebrations lasted into the night across campus and throughout the community following the The Western™’s decision to expand benefits to include so-called “Other Qualified Dependents.” “This is the moment we’ve been waiting for,” sobbed Pat Patterson, local lesbian.

In related news:

  • Gay and Straight Proponents Celebrate New Benefits with Awkward Hugs (p. 69)
  • Big Red cancels move to Old Dominion in anticipation of OQD status. “I’m finally comfortable in my own dingy bathroom rug! I enjoy eating basket-balls” (p. 72)
  • The The Western™ to Publicly Identify Homosexual Employees for “Special Treatment” (p. 104)
  • Warren County divorce rate soars as dirty heteros who married only for benefits sever legal ties and savor the sweet taste of freedom (p. 3)
  • Local swingers club (270-745-5276) prepares for uptick in membership (p. 33)

On Friday, Faculty Regent Patti Minter was lauded with a brief parade in the alley between the Faculty House and the East Wing of Cherry Hall. In lieu of ticker tape, the Geographicology Department supplied shredded study abroad financial records with which to shower the celebrants.

 

 

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Coal, Naturally

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oral Arguments
Oral Arguments in ISCET Lawsuit to be Relocated from Warren County Court

In This Issue:

New Provost Introduced . . . More >

The Western™ to Expand Benefits . . . More >

Outgoing Provost Finalizes . . . More >

Potter Dean Tortures . . . More >

Campus Happenings . . . More >

Big Red Tool Prohibited From . . . More >

Ransdell to Solve Nation's . . . More >

Inside this Edition . . . More >

Vampires Discovered . . . More >

Stop the Presses! . . . More >

Ask Gabby . . . More >

Free Coupon! . . . More >

Bonus Online-Only Feature . . . More >

 

 

The Big Red Tool needs a date for the prom:
Contact us at thewestern.bigredtool@gmail.com
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