Outgoing Provost Finalizes Administrative Will and Testament
With her closest aides acting as legal witnesses, Dr. Barbara Burch signed her administrative will and testament, which will become effective July 1, 2010.
“It was high time to push Madame to put her wishes on paper, so that there will be no misunderstanding,” explained an anonymous source in Academic Affairs. “She just kept delaying and delaying, even though we all knew the end was near.” Her administrative cortège staged an intervention when Dr. Burch began to refuse food, drink, and sleep while she rushed to enact her legacy policies.
In her final days, the outgoing Provost has implemented several key, unalterable academic and budgetary initiatives, collectively termed the “Enhancing the Quality of Engaged Enhancement Planning Initiative Strategic Plan (EQEEPISP).”
The plan institutes funding ($350,000 per year) for the Engaging the Spirit conference through 2031, the year that Canadian Eskimo folklore predict the planet will dissolve into a puddle of whale fat.
The EQEEPISP also establishes the FAculty Research and Center for Excellence, to be staffed exclusively by untenured, otherwise unemployable the The Western™ employees with doctorates in Leadership Studies. This office will be tasked with transmuting the boundaries of engaged service-learning hermeneutics in critical workshop think studies. “FARCE is an appropriate expression of my vision of academic excellence,” scribbled Burch in the margins of her will.
Dr. Burch’s will mandates a permanent, tenured position in University College as well. “This faculty line will help us recruit in our key demographic—high-school vo-tech students who can’t read or write,” explained the new Dean of Drop-Back Metal Shop Studies, Vinnie Blackston, GED, Ed.D. (Leadership, WKU 2011).
For her part, the Provost has declared that she will not rest until irrevocable groundwork has been laid for her successor. Dr. Burch is particularly interested in placing key personnel in secure, unassailable administrative positions.
“I mean, what will my Dougie do without my guidance, protection, and largesse?,” lamented Burch. “I don’t want the poor little fella to have to go back to the gutter and teach Gen Ed Biology. Not now that he’s tasted the good life,” she sighed as he curled up in her lap while she gently patted his head.