Big Red Tool Prohibited From Placing Big Red Tool in Campus Mailboxes
To combat the potential displacement of academically valuable flyers from campus mailboxes by the Big Red Tool, University Legal Counsel Deborah Wilkins has vowed to “come down like a ton of bricks on these renegade scofflaws and their so-called ‘humorous’ publication.”
In response to the dire threat Tool satire poses to the The Western™ way of life, Wilkins’ exhaustive Googling uncovered a little-known provision in federal law that prohibits non-USPS mail from being placed in USPS mailboxes.
Barrister Wilkins then issued a strongly worded e-mail to the editors of the Big Red Tool, threatening them with imprisonment, interrogation, corporal punishment, and/or deportation if they continue to place copies of the Tool in university mailboxes.
To prevent future violations, Wilkins issued a 374-page list of guidelines on acceptable material for campus mailboxes. Faculty may continue to receive expensive, glossy “Doers and Deeds” fireplace kindling, Texas Book Buyers solicitations, Feliz Navitas junk mail, Little Green Bibles, and announcements of Veritas Forum events. Leaving handwritten notes to colleagues, however, will result in the loss of a month’s wages. Delivery of the Big Red Tool will be punished by decapitation.
Wilkins dispatched a pair of armed Honors Toppers, authorized to use “lethal force,” to each department to ensure compliance with the new guidelines. Faculty and staff caught reading the Big Red Tool in print or online, or discussing it on or off campus, will have a Happy Thoughts Helmet locked onto their heads for a period of not less than three months. Repeat offenders will be required to purchase football season tickets.
Local postal officials commented to reporters, “Let’s see... we’re combating Anthrax, mail bombs, death-threat letters. Yep, we got lotsa extra manpower here at the USPS, so we’re glad to help The Western™ track down and prosecute serial thank-you note writers and satirical student publication distributors.”
In a very short interview with the Tool, President Ransdell said “Are you kidding me? Debbie, we’re paying you a crapload of money here. Get back to work, will you?”