screw you

May, 2010
Volume II, Issue 7

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Ransdell to Solve Nation’s Economic Woes

Since the start of his term as Chairman of the Louisville Branch of the Federal Reserve Bank of St. Louis, the The Western™ President Gary Ransdell has proposed an array of initiatives to end America’s recession and get the nation back on its economic feet.

In a speech, President Ransdell outlined a broad range of solutions to the nation’s most pressing economic problems. “First, I’d create a national mascot, ‘Big Red, White, and Blue,’ to lift America’s spirits.”

“I’d follow this with the development of a more compelling American logo, brand image, and slogan,” Ransdell continued. “You see, the ‘ol stars and stripes is just that: ‘ol.” The President and Chairman positively gushed about his proposed slogan, “A National Nation with Global Grasp.” “If we can just place a banner with those words on every utility pole in America, our troubles will be more than 25 percent over!”

Ransdell also proposed a massive building initiative designed to create potentially millions of jobs by adding cupolas to every school gymnasium, bingo parlor, and garage in America. “Not only is it distinctive, it helps to ventilate the attic!”

To date, few of Dr. Ransdell’s initiatives have been implemented, other than his groundbreaking program to reschedule Bank Board meetings to 2pm.

 

 

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Oral Arguments
Oral Arguments in ISCET Lawsuit to be Relocated from Warren County Court

In This Issue:

New Provost Introduced . . . More >

The Western™ to Expand Benefits . . . More >

Outgoing Provost Finalizes . . . More >

Potter Dean Tortures . . . More >

Campus Happenings . . . More >

Big Red Tool Prohibited From . . . More >

Ransdell to Solve Nation's . . . More >

Inside this Edition . . . More >

Vampires Discovered . . . More >

Stop the Presses! . . . More >

Ask Gabby . . . More >

Free Coupon! . . . More >

Bonus Online-Only Feature . . . More >

 

 

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