screw you

May, 2010
Volume II, Issue 7

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Clan of Administrative Vampires Discovered in Wetherby

Following the disappearance of several students from Pierce-Ford Tower, and the subsequent discovery of their exsanguinated bodies hanging from the rafters of Van Meter, the crack investigative squad from the The Western™’s Police Department has concluded that a clan of vampires haunts the campus.

To combat this supernatural menace, the Department formed a special Anti-Vampire Task Force, equipped with experimental technology on loan from the ICSET School of Combustion Theatre.

During a search of campus the AVTF discovered guano on the floor of the new Columbarium. “We think that’s their nighttime lair. But during business hours they generally hang out in Wetherby during business hours, emerging only to search for the blood of faculty and students. And nachos,” explained one officer.

Unexplained and unusual administrative activity led the task force to uncover the clan’s membership. Vice President for Campus Services John Osborne has banned garlic from all Aramark-catered dishes, while Vice President for Finance Ann Mead has ordered all mirrors removed from her office, except the cool Bon Jovi mirror she won last summer at the Jersey Shore.

Gary Ransdell’s decision to omit a Christian cross and stoup of holy water from the Chapel led police to the President’s office.

“I always suspected that Dr. Ransdell was a vampire,” whispered one student who wished to remain anonymous. “Notice how he sucked dry and then discarded the drained, tasty husk of Provost Burch? See his pasty complexion? And I heard he’s going to guest-star on ‘True Blood’ next month,” the student continued.

Regent Yevette Haskins scoffed, “As a succubus, I have nothing to fear from those wussy vampires. BRING IT!”

Initial investigations seemed to implicate Honors College Director Craig Cobane in the ever-widening administrative vampire scandal. However, forensic tests reveal that he is, in fact, merely a leech.

 

 

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Oral Arguments
Oral Arguments in ISCET Lawsuit to be Relocated from Warren County Court

In This Issue:

New Provost Introduced . . . More >

The Western™ to Expand Benefits . . . More >

Outgoing Provost Finalizes . . . More >

Potter Dean Tortures . . . More >

Campus Happenings . . . More >

Big Red Tool Prohibited From . . . More >

Ransdell to Solve Nation's . . . More >

Inside this Edition . . . More >

Vampires Discovered . . . More >

Stop the Presses! . . . More >

Ask Gabby . . . More >

Free Coupon! . . . More >

Bonus Online-Only Feature . . . More >

 

 

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